Recovery Pen Pals

Anyone interested in being recovery pen pals?

Doesn’t matter what mental illness you struggle with you are still more than welcome.

Of course it will be recovery minded!

If interested send me an email at jobaby21@icloud.com or message me on our Recover Pen Pals Facebook page answering the questions below

I will sort through the emails and pair you up with someone who has similar struggles and interest as yourselves.

Name?

Age? 

What are your diagnosis? 

Are there any things that trigger you that we shouldn’t write about? 

Where do you live?

What are you looking for in a Pen Pal

Anything else we should know about you? 

 

How would you like to “Pen Pal?” (writing letters, Skype, email, etc). Please provide info needed.

Once I receive your emails I will sort through them to find your match!

If you want to be my pen pal my answer is yes.

It’ll give us a chance to meet people from all over the world!

Self Soothing

Ways to make yourself feel better!

A way to remember these skills is to think of soothing each of your five senses:

VISION:

• Look at the stars at night
• Buy a beautiful flower
• Light a candle and watch the flame
• People watch
• Window shop
• Go to a museum and look at art
• Look at nature around you
• Walk in a pretty part of town
• Watch the sunrise or sunset
• Take a walk in a park or a scenic hike

Hearing:

• Listen to soothing music
• Pay attention to the sounds of nature
• Pay attention to the sounds of the city
• Play an instrument
• Sing or hum a song
• Make a playlist of songs that help get you through tough times

Smell:

• Burn incense
• Light a scented candle
• Inhale the aroma of coffee
• Put potpourri in a bowl in your room
• Smell roses
• Inhale the smells of nature
• Open a window and smell the fresh air

Taste:

• Eat your favourite food
• Drink a soothing drink (tea, coffee, etc)
• Treat yourself to dessert
• Get food you usually wouldn’t spend money on
• Really taste your food; eat mindfully

Touch:

• Take a hot bath or shower
• Pet your dog or cat
• Have a massage
• Put on creamy lotion
• Take a drive with the windows rolled down
• Hug someone

Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

Doing ED Treatment For Others

I went to treatment in April of 2013 after having a serious hospital stay in February 2013. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to go to treatment. In the beginning of my treatment I did it for me but after a month things just got harder and I was just so depressed. I started to refuse meals, fail weigh ins, cheat during snack time, I would weigh myself everyday at home, and because I was in PHP I went home after dinner and I would purge. I wanted to get the hell out of there.

During this time I had a boyfriend (Trevor) who I had been with for 2 years and lived with for 6 months. He felt betrayed when I finally told him I had an eating disorder. He lost a close friend to bulimia a year before we met. He was so proud of me for choosing treatment, but when I shared with him that I no longer wanted to be in treatment he was sad and disappointed. That’s the day Trevor told me that he wouldn’t stick around to watch me die. I loved him and I didn’t want to lose him so I continued to go to treatment but it was no longer for me. It was for Trevor.

Although, I continued with treatment it didn’t change how I felt. I was miserable and I just wanted to numb my feelings. At home I pretended to be happy. I felt that if I continued to be depressed Trevor would get fed up with me and leave me. He already was taking care of most for my expenses so I felt that I had to do my best to be joyful and act like treatment was going great.

In August 2013, Trevor and I broke up and I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. I wanted my eating disorder so bad because I couldn’t cope. I no longer wanted to be in Reno, Nevada anymore. I called my parents and told them that I wanted to come and live with them in Canada because I needed help getting through this.So I decided to leave treatment against medical advice. As soon as all the necessary paperwork was signed I immediately went back to my eating disorder.

I have been in and out of lapses and relapses since then and I realize the reason I didn’t succeed as well in treatment was because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I do have an eating disorder therapist but I haven’t been able to convince myself to go back to treatment when  I relapse. One day I will be ready and I will receive the treatment I deserve.

Recovery isn’t perfect and its a life long journey. Lapses and relapses will happen. Sometimes going to treatment more than once is needed but that doesn’t mean I’m failing at recovery. It’s just part of the process.

Stay Stong ❤

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.

I Don’t Want Recovery but…

Today I read a journal entry from July 15, 2013. I was in PHP (partial hospitalization program) and struggling to want recovery. I wrote:

“I don’t want recovery but I don’t want to die. I just want to be skinny again. “

Im sure many of us have thought this phrase multiple times while walking on the path of recovery. I know I have.

After 17 years of battling an eating disorder feeling worthy has been a really tough step. It has been hard letting go of feeling like I don’t want recovery. Then I find my self thinking  irrationally of being skinny = feeling worthy.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I found it easier to feel a little bit more worthy by loving myself even if its a something small…like loving my eyes because they allow me to see all the beauty in the world.

I am by no means a expert  on loving myself but I am learning.

When I have these thoughts running around in my head I try to think rationally. Being incredibly ill at a low weight didn’t bring me any happiness. I didn’t love myself and I felt worthless. Now that I’m battling against ED theres hope that I can find happiness, I will learn to love myself, and I will feel worthy of recovery.

With all that being said…

LOVING YOURSELF = WORTHY OF RECOVERY.

Living in a Household Where ED Stigma is all Around Me

Im tired of people (my roommate) being upset with me for being sick. I have good days & bad days but at the end of the day I have an eating disorder. Its not fake. Its not a cry for attention. If anything its a war and I fight for survival everyday!

This last month I have been sick consistently with infections that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I have kept her updated on why I feel so tired and sick but I get this vibe that my roommate thinks I should be more able to do things. I still pick up my slack even if it hurts because I don’t need another reason for her to be upset with me.

I went to the doctors today and I have an infection so I need to rest in order to beat this thing. When she asked me how it went I told her  I needed lots of rest since Ive been battling this infection for about a month. Her response was “isn’t that what you always do?” I felt like she was implying that I don’t do anything with my life which is completely untrue.

I fight this stupid war in my head every day. Sometimes I’m so caught up in my ED thoughts that I’m not really listening to what people are saying and Im sorry. I wish it wasn’t like that but if you don’t know what that war feels like “don’t judge a book by its cover.”

I hate being misunderstood. I hate being seen as that lazy person who does nothing (my roommate works all day so how would she know).  But Im tired of being the sick girl because thats all everyone tends to see. Im mostly talking about my roommate because we live together but she has no idea the fight I go through every single day. How hard it is to just put a piece of food in my mouth.

I refuse to let my illness take life experiences away from me. My roommate got upset with me because she thinks I shouldn’t be working on my ED advocacy online late at night and that I should be resting instead. Thats not me. I need to be doing something so a don’t die of boredom.

Now that I’ve been laid out with a kidney infection and feverish I’ve been sleeping a lot. But now I’m lazy because I’m resting to get better.  This is the reason why I never wanted to live with a roommate. No matter what the stigma is still in my household and I have to deal with it every day and pretend to not let it bother me.

She thinks I don’t take care of myself because I’m not resting but even if Im sick with this infection she expects me to pull my weight. Which I do. But I feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation here. Yes I know I have a weak immune system because of my eating disorder but I’m trying!

I JUST WANT TO YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT IM FUCKING TRYING! IF THATS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN FUCK OFF!

I have talked to my roommate about my eating disorder and I can’t blame her for not understanding but after our fight last night I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. I don’t want to leave my room until she’s gone.I don’t want to live like that again.  WHY ME? I don’t want this life anymore but recovery is hard and it doesn’t happen over night.

Just writing this is bringing me to tears. I can’t even imagine if she knew about my borderline personality disorder. I just feel like one royally fucked up person. Who keeps secrets so people don’t leave.

I was happier living alone where I didn’t have someone judging me all the time I was better at holding myself accountable even with my weird ED mannerisms. The only thing that keeps me sane is my precious dog who never leaves my side. I can’t even imagine how much worse I would feel without him laying next to me.

TO END THIS RANT I JUST WANT TO SAY..

If you don’t know my struggles/my illness/my war  and how hard I try to have a “normal” life please don’t judge me or pretend to know me. There is a difference in wanting to understand and judging what you don’t understand. I want normalcy…whatever that is…and I strive for it because I’m DONE being the sick girl! Im ENVY you all who don’t have to be at war 24/7 on a daily basis. Im tired of people getting mad at me because I want a “NORMAL” life. I don’t want my illness to stop me from living life. Which is why Im working hard on recovery. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I never told my roommate about my eating disorder. That was my big mistake.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO LIVE LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

 

Harder Than I Thought

Ive been living with my roommate for 3 months and my biggest fear was that she would find out about my eating. Since she found out she is now being the food police. I know she means well but it makes me miss I living alone.  I didn’t feel like I had to lie and I held myself accountable for my actions.

Now I feel like have a helicopter parent/roommate. It just makes me want to cry because she says all the wrong things even though with good intentions it makes me feel bad.

I don’t want to be the avoidant roommate who hides  out to cry. I may not be underweight anymore but I still think like anorexic person.

I have tried to talk to her by telling her that she needs to trust me and that I know what Im doing. I didn’t got to treatment for over half a year and learned nothing.

I guess I’m at a loss of what to do. I have communicated over and over where my boundaries lie.

LOST EATING DISORDERED GIRL IN THE REAL WORLD!