I Don’t Want Recovery but…

Today I read a journal entry from July 15, 2013. I was in PHP (partial hospitalization program) and struggling to want recovery. I wrote:

“I don’t want recovery but I don’t want to die. I just want to be skinny again. “

Im sure many of us have thought this phrase multiple times while walking on the path of recovery. I know I have.

After 17 years of battling an eating disorder feeling worthy has been a really tough step. It has been hard letting go of feeling like I don’t want recovery. Then I find my self thinking  irrationally of being skinny = feeling worthy.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I found it easier to feel a little bit more worthy by loving myself even if its a something small…like loving my eyes because they allow me to see all the beauty in the world.

I am by no means a expert  on loving myself but I am learning.

When I have these thoughts running around in my head I try to think rationally. Being incredibly ill at a low weight didn’t bring me any happiness. I didn’t love myself and I felt worthless. Now that I’m battling against ED theres hope that I can find happiness, I will learn to love myself, and I will feel worthy of recovery.

With all that being said…

LOVING YOURSELF = WORTHY OF RECOVERY.