My weight is really getting to me lately. Well more than usual anyway. It’s like no matter what I do I stay at a high weight. I feel like I’ll never be skinny again. Isolation is ED’s best friend. I shared with my boyfriend how my ED thoughts are getting worse and I mentioned that I was scared because I tend to isolate. What sucked was that he though I would isolate myself from him. The potential does exist but I love him and I would never isolate myself from him. He asked me if we were heading for the inevitable and hearing that nearly broke my heart. We reassured each other that we were going anywhere but I’m scared that he will leave me if he even feels an inking of me unwillingly pulling away.
For the first time in our relationship I felt the real fear of abandonment. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) was eating all this up and ED was laughing mischievously. Fighting my bad thoughts has been so hard today and I’ve continuously have to keep reminding myself that I trust him and that he loves me. All I want is to continue to watch our love grow because its something I cherish and I will not let ED take that away from me. He has already taken away 17 years of my life.
Im back from my trip to California to be in my best friend’s wedding. It was definitely and emotional roller coaster. Not only because of the wedding but also dealing with my eating disorder while I was on my trip.
Im weirdly happy yet disappointed that I let ED take over as my coping mechanism during my trip but I’m home now where I have many supports to help me get through the rough patch.
My best friend is naturally thin and it was so hard seeing her and being around her the whole week just because I was constantly comparing myself and wishing that I were as thin as she was. Its a terrible feeling to feel stuck in a body that you hate or that you can’t wishfully change to look like you want to look like.
I came home from my trip last night and because I wasn’t really taking care of myself during my trip… last night my body finally took a fall…LITERALLY. I was weak from not getting enough sleep all week and not nourishing myself enough all week that I took a HARD fall in my bathroom in the middle of the night. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t even get up until my boyfriend came to find me. A bit of an eye opener…don’t you think?!
Pretty much everyone in my life knows I’m back in school attending George Brown College (Toronto Canada.) What very few people know is that I am in the TPE (Transitions Post-Secondary Education) Program.
Back tracking a little
As most of my followers know I have had 3 long difficult years trying to recovery from anorexia and managing borderline personality disorder. I have always dreamed of getting my PhD but after getting diagnosed I thought that dream was over. I got this thought stuck in my head that “no work & no school” was going to be my life. A life that wasn’t going to get any better. With CERTAINTY I can tell you I was totally wrong!
Back in March my ED therapist told me about the TPE program at George Brown College. I totally laughed back in her face and I remember thinking, “She’s crazy! How does this woman think I can even go back to school with how mentally fucked up I am!”
The TPE program at George Brown College is a program catered to those who struggle with mental illness, addiction, or both. For people like me who didn’t know where to turn or what to do to move forward in their lives; “People with mental health disabilities or addictions, have faced considerable and longstanding discrimination, stigmatization and social exclusion in Canada” (DialogNews.ca). The program is broken down into 3 semesters (could be longer depending on each individual student). “[The] program provides individuals who identify their mental health or addiction challenges, as barriers to further education and/or employment, with the opportunity to access new pathways to academic and employment success (DialogNews.ca). On top of college credit courses the program also focuses on interpersonal skills, problem solving, career and vocational exploration and planning.
My experience in the TPE program has been amazing! Its given me the opportunity to “rejoin” society without the feeling of stigma or judgement. Its given me and continues to give me the stepping stones I need to reintegrate myself back into a school setting. For myself and I’m sure for others it has been a place that has given us tools to move forward after all the hardships that we have been through and continue to go through.
Like any person in any situation there are days where I wish I could just roll my eyes at the program but the end of the day I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be in a program like TPE. Its the first time I have heard of any program like this and I would love to see it grow and pop up in other colleges/universities around the world.
If this program sounds like its something you’re interested in and live in Toronto Canada follow the link below.
It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to be VULNERABLE and my EATING DISORDER had killed all the JOY in my life. For the first time in a long time I can say I am HAPPY! Happiness has made me less symptomatic when it comes to ANOREXIA and RECOVERY has opened my eyes to all the beauty life has to offer 💞. A lot of this I credit to my AMAZING BOYFRIEND Shaun. Now I used to be that girl who would live my life to make SOMEONE ELSE happy, but this time its DIFFERENT! I feel SAFE being myself. Being HONEST with who I am in front of him. I don’t feel the need to HIDE and he still find all my FLAWS to be beautiful. Since getting together I’ve seemed to DEDICATE more of my life to my RECOVERY as he dedicates his to his SOBRIETY. I never thought two people who STRUGGLE could be 2 wholes and be HAPPY together. I never saw this coming…I thought I was DOOMED to be SINGLE forever since I could NEVER be HONEST about myself with anyone. Now I just feel LUCKY, I feel SAFE, I feel DEEPLY CARED ABOUT while still focusing on my RECOVERY. In this very moment SHAUN is more than I can ask for in a BOYFRIEND because I don’t have to pretend to be anything I am NOT. This is the relationship I have been waiting for since I decided that RECOVERY comes first in my life ❤
SHAUN DAVID SIMPSON WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN HOW DEEPLY I CARE ABOUT YOU!
I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.
On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school. TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.
Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.
Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.
Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!
I have missed you all!
And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!