So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.

I Don’t Want Recovery but…

Today I read a journal entry from July 15, 2013. I was in PHP (partial hospitalization program) and struggling to want recovery. I wrote:

“I don’t want recovery but I don’t want to die. I just want to be skinny again. “

Im sure many of us have thought this phrase multiple times while walking on the path of recovery. I know I have.

After 17 years of battling an eating disorder feeling worthy has been a really tough step. It has been hard letting go of feeling like I don’t want recovery. Then I find my self thinking  irrationally of being skinny = feeling worthy.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I found it easier to feel a little bit more worthy by loving myself even if its a something small…like loving my eyes because they allow me to see all the beauty in the world.

I am by no means a expert  on loving myself but I am learning.

When I have these thoughts running around in my head I try to think rationally. Being incredibly ill at a low weight didn’t bring me any happiness. I didn’t love myself and I felt worthless. Now that I’m battling against ED theres hope that I can find happiness, I will learn to love myself, and I will feel worthy of recovery.

With all that being said…

LOVING YOURSELF = WORTHY OF RECOVERY.

PTSD Flare Up

There other night I was basically asleep when my roommate decided to come into my room crying. In my half asleep state I didn’t really get a grasp on why she was upset. Frustrated that I wasn’t all awake she ripped down my curtains and left my room.

Now I understand that people get upset and do things without thinking and not intentionally. But with everything going on its flaring up my PTSD. Not that I am afraid of her but mostly because I remember feeling this way not to long ago and there was a threat of danger.

I don’t want to be scared. My roommate…from what I know is a good person. Just lately something has changed and Im too afraid to ask why because I think its about me.

I tried talking to my mom but she doesn’t understand why I’m scared. She doesn’t understand the reasons behind my PTSD. I don’t like things being thrown or having my curtains ripped down and I don’t like being yelled at like I’m worthless.

It brings back so many bad memories that I can’t help but intertwine them. All this just makes me want to cry. I feel unsettled and for me its one of the worst feelings in the world. Since I moved to Toronto all I have wanted to find was stability and every time I think I found it…it turns out I’m wrong.

Every time I trust a person…close…almost relationship close…that person has physically, mentally, or emotionally ruined me. I don’t feel wrong for being scared now even though I know she won’t hurt me. But the feeling…the fear…its the same.

When I try to tell me mom that this is hurting me and bringing back PTSD memories she doesn’t get it and I feel completely invalidated.

I don’t want to be scared in my own home.

With all thats happened in the last few years I don’t want to be scared anymore.

Living in a Household Where ED Stigma is all Around Me

Im tired of people (my roommate) being upset with me for being sick. I have good days & bad days but at the end of the day I have an eating disorder. Its not fake. Its not a cry for attention. If anything its a war and I fight for survival everyday!

This last month I have been sick consistently with infections that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I have kept her updated on why I feel so tired and sick but I get this vibe that my roommate thinks I should be more able to do things. I still pick up my slack even if it hurts because I don’t need another reason for her to be upset with me.

I went to the doctors today and I have an infection so I need to rest in order to beat this thing. When she asked me how it went I told her  I needed lots of rest since Ive been battling this infection for about a month. Her response was “isn’t that what you always do?” I felt like she was implying that I don’t do anything with my life which is completely untrue.

I fight this stupid war in my head every day. Sometimes I’m so caught up in my ED thoughts that I’m not really listening to what people are saying and Im sorry. I wish it wasn’t like that but if you don’t know what that war feels like “don’t judge a book by its cover.”

I hate being misunderstood. I hate being seen as that lazy person who does nothing (my roommate works all day so how would she know).  But Im tired of being the sick girl because thats all everyone tends to see. Im mostly talking about my roommate because we live together but she has no idea the fight I go through every single day. How hard it is to just put a piece of food in my mouth.

I refuse to let my illness take life experiences away from me. My roommate got upset with me because she thinks I shouldn’t be working on my ED advocacy online late at night and that I should be resting instead. Thats not me. I need to be doing something so a don’t die of boredom.

Now that I’ve been laid out with a kidney infection and feverish I’ve been sleeping a lot. But now I’m lazy because I’m resting to get better.  This is the reason why I never wanted to live with a roommate. No matter what the stigma is still in my household and I have to deal with it every day and pretend to not let it bother me.

She thinks I don’t take care of myself because I’m not resting but even if Im sick with this infection she expects me to pull my weight. Which I do. But I feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation here. Yes I know I have a weak immune system because of my eating disorder but I’m trying!

I JUST WANT TO YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT IM FUCKING TRYING! IF THATS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN FUCK OFF!

I have talked to my roommate about my eating disorder and I can’t blame her for not understanding but after our fight last night I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. I don’t want to leave my room until she’s gone.I don’t want to live like that again.  WHY ME? I don’t want this life anymore but recovery is hard and it doesn’t happen over night.

Just writing this is bringing me to tears. I can’t even imagine if she knew about my borderline personality disorder. I just feel like one royally fucked up person. Who keeps secrets so people don’t leave.

I was happier living alone where I didn’t have someone judging me all the time I was better at holding myself accountable even with my weird ED mannerisms. The only thing that keeps me sane is my precious dog who never leaves my side. I can’t even imagine how much worse I would feel without him laying next to me.

TO END THIS RANT I JUST WANT TO SAY..

If you don’t know my struggles/my illness/my war  and how hard I try to have a “normal” life please don’t judge me or pretend to know me. There is a difference in wanting to understand and judging what you don’t understand. I want normalcy…whatever that is…and I strive for it because I’m DONE being the sick girl! Im ENVY you all who don’t have to be at war 24/7 on a daily basis. Im tired of people getting mad at me because I want a “NORMAL” life. I don’t want my illness to stop me from living life. Which is why Im working hard on recovery. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I never told my roommate about my eating disorder. That was my big mistake.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO LIVE LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

 

Harder Than I Thought

Ive been living with my roommate for 3 months and my biggest fear was that she would find out about my eating. Since she found out she is now being the food police. I know she means well but it makes me miss I living alone.  I didn’t feel like I had to lie and I held myself accountable for my actions.

Now I feel like have a helicopter parent/roommate. It just makes me want to cry because she says all the wrong things even though with good intentions it makes me feel bad.

I don’t want to be the avoidant roommate who hides  out to cry. I may not be underweight anymore but I still think like anorexic person.

I have tried to talk to her by telling her that she needs to trust me and that I know what Im doing. I didn’t got to treatment for over half a year and learned nothing.

I guess I’m at a loss of what to do. I have communicated over and over where my boundaries lie.

LOST EATING DISORDERED GIRL IN THE REAL WORLD!

9 Ways the Beautifully Broken Girl Loves Differently

Scars are proof that you’re stronger than whatever it was that tried to hurt you.

Source: 9 Ways the Beautifully Broken Girl Loves Differently

28th Birthday Celebration

I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday. I got to spend it with Scott and everything was perfect.

We started our night at Williams Landing for drinks and food. I had a really hard time with dinner. I have been on antibiotics for almost 2 weeks and I just didn’t have an appetite. So I ate a quarter of the pizza we shared forcefully. ED was creeping his way in. And for most of the night all I could think of was the calories I was going to consume in alcohol but I didn’t want ED to keep me from having fun!

After dinner and drinks we took a complimentary shuttle bus to the Air Canada Centre to watch the Toronto Raptors play the Boston Celtics.

The best part was that it was Scott’s first Raptors game ever! My 2 favourite teams were playing and everything was just perfect!

Of course the Raptors won!!

Our view from our seats!

After the game we took the shuttle bus back to Williams Landing to enjoy more drinks and a complimentary cake for my birthday! I had a hard time enjoying the cake just because I kept calorie counting all night but I did eat some of it.

All in all I had a great night with one of my favourite people. Even though ED kept trying to creep in I did my best to keep him at bay.

Thank you Scott of an amazing night celebrating my 28th birthday!

9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, so don’t assume you know someone’s story before they’ve told you it themselves. People who suffer from eating disorders can’t just, …

Source: 9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!