I’m back!

I haven’t written a new blog entry in a few years. Last a posted was when I found out I was pregnant. I now have a beautiful daughter named Ava and she’s 3.5 years old.

My recovery from anorexia was really shaky before my positive pregnancy test and that day was probably the scariest day for my eating disorder. I made a vow to my unborn child that I would recover for her. I have now been in recovery for 4 years! My recovery has been far from perfect but on days my ED voice is loud I focus on self care.

Self care is something that is just for me. I deserve to take care of myself as much as I take care of my family!

These days self care looks like cooking (I found a passion for this last year), skin care, hair, beauty, and many other things that make me feel good and happy!

I am hoping to reunite with all of you and continue to update my journey of all things motherhood and recovery! I miss you guys!

If y’all have any questions please reach out!! I try to get back to everyone the same day. I still have my Instagram account but it’s now about more than just anorexia. @j0anneeeee 💋

It’s Been a While…

I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.

On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school.  TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.

Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD  know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.

Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.

Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!

I have missed you all!

And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!

Stay Strong ❤

A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

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Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

Doing ED Treatment For Others

I went to treatment in April of 2013 after having a serious hospital stay in February 2013. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to go to treatment. In the beginning of my treatment I did it for me but after a month things just got harder and I was just so depressed. I started to refuse meals, fail weigh ins, cheat during snack time, I would weigh myself everyday at home, and because I was in PHP I went home after dinner and I would purge. I wanted to get the hell out of there.

During this time I had a boyfriend (Trevor) who I had been with for 2 years and lived with for 6 months. He felt betrayed when I finally told him I had an eating disorder. He lost a close friend to bulimia a year before we met. He was so proud of me for choosing treatment, but when I shared with him that I no longer wanted to be in treatment he was sad and disappointed. That’s the day Trevor told me that he wouldn’t stick around to watch me die. I loved him and I didn’t want to lose him so I continued to go to treatment but it was no longer for me. It was for Trevor.

Although, I continued with treatment it didn’t change how I felt. I was miserable and I just wanted to numb my feelings. At home I pretended to be happy. I felt that if I continued to be depressed Trevor would get fed up with me and leave me. He already was taking care of most for my expenses so I felt that I had to do my best to be joyful and act like treatment was going great.

In August 2013, Trevor and I broke up and I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. I wanted my eating disorder so bad because I couldn’t cope. I no longer wanted to be in Reno, Nevada anymore. I called my parents and told them that I wanted to come and live with them in Canada because I needed help getting through this.So I decided to leave treatment against medical advice. As soon as all the necessary paperwork was signed I immediately went back to my eating disorder.

I have been in and out of lapses and relapses since then and I realize the reason I didn’t succeed as well in treatment was because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I do have an eating disorder therapist but I haven’t been able to convince myself to go back to treatment when  I relapse. One day I will be ready and I will receive the treatment I deserve.

Recovery isn’t perfect and its a life long journey. Lapses and relapses will happen. Sometimes going to treatment more than once is needed but that doesn’t mean I’m failing at recovery. It’s just part of the process.

Stay Stong ❤

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.

I Don’t Want Recovery but…

Today I read a journal entry from July 15, 2013. I was in PHP (partial hospitalization program) and struggling to want recovery. I wrote:

“I don’t want recovery but I don’t want to die. I just want to be skinny again. “

Im sure many of us have thought this phrase multiple times while walking on the path of recovery. I know I have.

After 17 years of battling an eating disorder feeling worthy has been a really tough step. It has been hard letting go of feeling like I don’t want recovery. Then I find my self thinking  irrationally of being skinny = feeling worthy.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I found it easier to feel a little bit more worthy by loving myself even if its a something small…like loving my eyes because they allow me to see all the beauty in the world.

I am by no means a expert  on loving myself but I am learning.

When I have these thoughts running around in my head I try to think rationally. Being incredibly ill at a low weight didn’t bring me any happiness. I didn’t love myself and I felt worthless. Now that I’m battling against ED theres hope that I can find happiness, I will learn to love myself, and I will feel worthy of recovery.

With all that being said…

LOVING YOURSELF = WORTHY OF RECOVERY.