I haven’t written a new blog entry in a few years. Last a posted was when I found out I was pregnant. I now have a beautiful daughter named Ava and she’s 3.5 years old.
My recovery from anorexia was really shaky before my positive pregnancy test and that day was probably the scariest day for my eating disorder. I made a vow to my unborn child that I would recover for her. I have now been in recovery for 4 years! My recovery has been far from perfect but on days my ED voice is loud I focus on self care.
Self care is something that is just for me. I deserve to take care of myself as much as I take care of my family!
These days self care looks like cooking (I found a passion for this last year), skin care, hair, beauty, and many other things that make me feel good and happy!
I am hoping to reunite with all of you and continue to update my journey of all things motherhood and recovery! I miss you guys!
If y’all have any questions please reach out!! I try to get back to everyone the same day. I still have my Instagram account but it’s now about more than just anorexia. @j0anneeeee 💋
Pretty much everyone in my life knows I’m back in school attending George Brown College (Toronto Canada.) What very few people know is that I am in the TPE (Transitions Post-Secondary Education) Program.
Back tracking a little
As most of my followers know I have had 3 long difficult years trying to recovery from anorexia and managing borderline personality disorder. I have always dreamed of getting my PhD but after getting diagnosed I thought that dream was over. I got this thought stuck in my head that “no work & no school” was going to be my life. A life that wasn’t going to get any better. With CERTAINTY I can tell you I was totally wrong!
Back in March my ED therapist told me about the TPE program at George Brown College. I totally laughed back in her face and I remember thinking, “She’s crazy! How does this woman think I can even go back to school with how mentally fucked up I am!”
The TPE program at George Brown College is a program catered to those who struggle with mental illness, addiction, or both. For people like me who didn’t know where to turn or what to do to move forward in their lives; “People with mental health disabilities or addictions, have faced considerable and longstanding discrimination, stigmatization and social exclusion in Canada” (DialogNews.ca). The program is broken down into 3 semesters (could be longer depending on each individual student). “[The] program provides individuals who identify their mental health or addiction challenges, as barriers to further education and/or employment, with the opportunity to access new pathways to academic and employment success (DialogNews.ca). On top of college credit courses the program also focuses on interpersonal skills, problem solving, career and vocational exploration and planning.
My experience in the TPE program has been amazing! Its given me the opportunity to “rejoin” society without the feeling of stigma or judgement. Its given me and continues to give me the stepping stones I need to reintegrate myself back into a school setting. For myself and I’m sure for others it has been a place that has given us tools to move forward after all the hardships that we have been through and continue to go through.
Like any person in any situation there are days where I wish I could just roll my eyes at the program but the end of the day I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be in a program like TPE. Its the first time I have heard of any program like this and I would love to see it grow and pop up in other colleges/universities around the world.
If this program sounds like its something you’re interested in and live in Toronto Canada follow the link below.
My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.
Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.
Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.
My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.
The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!
I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.
What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.
I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.
SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.
Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.
In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.
With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).
I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.
In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.
I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!
I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!
Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!
I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.
I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.
Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!
Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.
I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.
The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”
Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤
Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.
Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.
Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.
Motherhood, ED Recovery, & Self Care 