Why Can’t I Just Love my Body?

I decided to look through my old journal from when I was in treatment at Center for Hope of the Sierras, and I came upon an entry (June 25, 2013) where I was talking about a new tank top that I bought at Target while I was in RTC (residential treatment centre). In all caps I wrote and asked myself: WHY CAN’T I JUST LOVE MY BODY?

Its been over 2 years since I wrote that journal entry and loving my body is something that I still struggle with every day. Although I am in recovery that doesn’t stop me from stopping in front of mirror or window to body check. It doesn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable in the clothes I’m wearing. And it doesn’t stop me from letting ED choose my wardrobe for the day.

I left treatment in August 2013 and since then I have been through a relapse and many short lapses. In my recovery two years into “real recovery” is still really early on to completely be rid of these thoughts. Some people think that because I went to treatment for my eating disorder I came back cured of ED and its all rainbows and smiles. REALITY CHECK! After treatment I got thrown back into the real world where I had to really put the skills I learned in treatment to the test. Life after treatment has been the hardest part of my journey through recovery. I’ve had my trying moments of defeat and then slowly picking myself up again, and also had moments where I conquered ED.

I still don’t love my body, but I can say I appreciate it more than I used to. It pains me to know how much damage I have done to it and how it’s still recovering. However, I do try to remember to tell myself that my body dysmorphia gives me a skewed version of what I see compared to what other people see. I see someone who is over weight (because I’m weight restored) when the rest of the world sees…I don’t want to say average but they just see a woman.

People tell me I look great all the time. I hope that one day I will actually believe it when someone complements the way I look. ED and body dysmorphia seem to have broken the part of my brain that accepts compliments. Looking healthy doesn’t mean I look fat but that I no longer look like I am dying and there is actual light in my eyes.

One day I will be able to say that I LOVE MY BODY, and on that day I will celebrate moving another step forward in my recovery.

Love What You Got

Love is the one thing that makes everything feel wonderful again. So lets start by loving our bodies! Stop rejecting what you were given and embrace it. Loving your body is the way to get rid of the pain. 

Beach day = a day I have fight harder

I really want to go to the beach! I grew up living by the beach and I just love it.

I persevered when I went to the cottage with Paul and his friends but going with family is a whole lot different.

Paul saw my struggles but hasn’t ever seen me completely weight restored.

The last time my aunt and uncle saw me I wasn’t no where near this thin.

Yet still I really want to go to the beach. Even though bikini’s scare me.

I know what they will be thinking about it but they won’t say it to may face.

Yes I know you can see my rib cage and I’m not happy about it. I struggle to be healthy. its hard and seems unattainable.

I hope my family knows that this could be a breaking point for me.

It could either go well because people don’t focus on it or leave me alone

all hell would break lose if someone consistently badgers me about eating or not eating.

I rarely lose my temper in these moments but I have to protect myself.

As thin as I am I wish everyone knew that I was trying.

It sucks to walk into a room where everyone knows you’re anorexic and they are watching your every move during a meal.

I have been putting myself out their by challenging myself to wear a bikini which makes me feel like I need to hide this disgusting body but Ive done it before and I can do it again.

To me thats a recovery win.

Seems silly to want validation for the small stuff but those at the baby steps that count.

And it tears me down that my younger girl cousins will be there.

I don’t want to set a bad example.

I would never want them to go what I have been through.

So I will eat in front of them…I will put their needs first.

Its a serious challenge but I have persevered so much that I think I can do this.

I will prove to my family and friends that I may struggle and I may cry but I am willing to push myself to the limit!

Im not a quitter.

That hurts me a little because tomorrow I have to be fake.

At the cottage I thought I was sly but Paul knew…

and that was okay because he didn’t make a big deal out of it. He just made sure that I was okay.

Thats what i need in these situations because they are so difficult for me.

I don’t want people to focus on me because they know.

Recovery isn’t easy.

I Am More Powerful Than My Eating Disorder!

LIKE IF YOU AGREE!

Guest Blogger: Confidence

“You are not fat. You have fat.   You also have fingernails, but you are not fingernails.” Anonymous

I am certain that most women can agree with me on this but we all have our days.   Days where we think we’re fat.   Days where the rest of the world is so much prettier than we are.  To most people, this is a healthy, normal part of life.  However, for those who suffer from an eating disorder, it becomes a dangerous obsession.

Controlling weight and counting calories are are two of the very few things that can be measured in this life.   Sufferers want to feel in control of their lives when everything else is not within their grasp.    I am not a sufferer nor am I recovering, but I am a woman who does go through occasional bouts of low self-esteem.  Ups and downs define my life and that’s what makes me beautiful.   Here are my tips to help you feel amazing about yourself:

1. First thing’s first:  You are your own person and that’s what makes you beautiful. A mirror is deceiving in the sense that it only tells you what your body looks like.  It fails to tell you how you got the scar on your chin that makes you so unique.   It does not tell you why your eyes are so blue and bright. Even more importantly, it doesn’t define who you are.  You are unique for a reason: you weren’t born a copy.

2.   Do NOT listen to the media:  Women in the media are the way they are because they get paid to do so.   Being a size 2 is practically a requirement in their profession.   Sadly, it’s the only way women in Hollywood get ahead.   But it doesn’t mean that we have to be a size 0.  You are beautiful.   Healthy is a subjective term and it’s definitely not a standard set by Hollywood so forget about the lights and glamour.  Everything about Hollywood is flawed, which means there’s no need for you to be sucked into their flawed world.

3.  Get rid of your mirrors and scales:   Mirrors and scales encourage obsession.  Mirrors only show you one side of the picture.   Scales only give you a number.   Both do not define who you are.  If you feel amazing, that’s all that matters.  Mirrors and scales should not change that.

4.   Talk to someone:   Friends and family are always there to reassure you, but if the problem is more serious than that, there’s an abundance of help out there.   If you can’t cope with a problem on your own, why not share the burden with someone else?

5. Start thinking positively:  The metaphorical glass of life has always been half full in my eyes and that’s how it should be.   The words fat, ugly, and weird should be non-existent in society’s vocabulary. Nobody has the right to give these words definition. Negativity should have no place on the journeys we are on.   Remember the saying:  Always look on the bright side of life? If you do, then continue to live by these words. If not, start doing so!

NEDIC Conference 2015

I am the founder of Project HEAL Toronto and work with Project HEAL . Project HEAL is a nonprofit organization that raises eating disorder awareness, promotes positive body image, and fundraises money for grants to send individuals to treatment.

I would love to opportunity to go to the NEDIC conference in Toronto this year to educate myself more on how to help others!!

I have battled an eating disorder for 15 years and have been in recovery for almost 2 years! I still have daily battles but going to treatment changed my life!

Please help fund my ticket to this informational event.

To donate click the link below

http://www.gofundme.com/NEDIC2015

Giving Tuesday!

#GivingTuesday! Help Project HEAL raise money to help send individuals to treatment by donating at http://www.theprojectheal.org/take-action/donate-2/

Guest Blogger: Never Be Ashamed of Your Battles

Never be ashamed of your plight.  Someone once told me that your past doesn’t define who you are, but the little bits of it—the hurt, the pain and all the ups and downs, make you who you are.   These are the little specks that make up our entire being.   That’s why we are all intrinsically different– each of us goes through a different journey in life.

All those arguments, mistakes and secrets do not make you a bad person.   If anything, they made you stronger and more resilient.   With that, I must say that you are not your disease.   An eating disorder doesn’t define who you are.   It’s a battle you are overcoming.   An extension of life and not life itself.   It’s disappointing to see that there is still a stigma attached to the notion of an eating disorder.

Girls are still discouraged in talking about eating disorders.  Health care professionals are still “hush hush” about it even though it’s a common mental illness in North America. The common belief that eating disorders are a result of one “not liking their looks” is misleading.   Treatment would be more accessible to sufferers if views regarding these conditions were changed and more attention was paid to patients.  Misconceptions, assumptions, and judgements should have no place on an individual’s  recovery.

To those who suffer from an eating disorder: remember that you can seek treatment.   There is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Your life is still yours to live.

To those who are recovering from an eating disorder: remember that you are who you are because of what you have overcome.   Recovery is something that you should be proud of.  Scars are signs of battles you have fought.   Wear them proudly and go forth in this world as the true warrior that you are.

To those who judge: educate yourself.    Contrary to popular belief, ignorance was never bliss.

To those who frown upon sufferers of an eating disorder or any mental disorder for that matter:  Remember that each person is fighting a battle you don’t know about and more than likely, is more arduous than yours.   Your opinion doesn’t matter.

To those who help spread the world to enlighten individuals: thank you.  It’s about time the world opened its eyes right?

Domenica

What’s Holding You Back?

What’s holding you back from walking through the world believing in recovery and letting it show through your behaviours?

I think the biggest thing that is holding me back is my confidence. Although I must say that since I started my journey through recovery my confidence as become more and more apparent. I still have days where I feel like I am not enough but I have to reframe that thought and remind myself that I am worthy of recovery and that my ED never gave me true happiness. People tell me I’m pretty all the time (not to sound conceded or anything) but if I could only see what they see all the time instead of just sometimes. Before recovery I never thought I looked pretty so thats definitely a win for choosing recovery!

Thanksgiving 2014

Happy Thanksgiving from North of the boarder!

What is everyone thankful for?

🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁

I’m thankful for my family, friends, and clinical support team that saved my life and lead me to the path of recovery. Its not without its struggles but every day I fight is another day I fight against my eating disorder!