A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.

PTSD Flare Up

There other night I was basically asleep when my roommate decided to come into my room crying. In my half asleep state I didn’t really get a grasp on why she was upset. Frustrated that I wasn’t all awake she ripped down my curtains and left my room.

Now I understand that people get upset and do things without thinking and not intentionally. But with everything going on its flaring up my PTSD. Not that I am afraid of her but mostly because I remember feeling this way not to long ago and there was a threat of danger.

I don’t want to be scared. My roommate…from what I know is a good person. Just lately something has changed and Im too afraid to ask why because I think its about me.

I tried talking to my mom but she doesn’t understand why I’m scared. She doesn’t understand the reasons behind my PTSD. I don’t like things being thrown or having my curtains ripped down and I don’t like being yelled at like I’m worthless.

It brings back so many bad memories that I can’t help but intertwine them. All this just makes me want to cry. I feel unsettled and for me its one of the worst feelings in the world. Since I moved to Toronto all I have wanted to find was stability and every time I think I found it…it turns out I’m wrong.

Every time I trust a person…close…almost relationship close…that person has physically, mentally, or emotionally ruined me. I don’t feel wrong for being scared now even though I know she won’t hurt me. But the feeling…the fear…its the same.

When I try to tell me mom that this is hurting me and bringing back PTSD memories she doesn’t get it and I feel completely invalidated.

I don’t want to be scared in my own home.

With all thats happened in the last few years I don’t want to be scared anymore.

Living in a Household Where ED Stigma is all Around Me

Im tired of people (my roommate) being upset with me for being sick. I have good days & bad days but at the end of the day I have an eating disorder. Its not fake. Its not a cry for attention. If anything its a war and I fight for survival everyday!

This last month I have been sick consistently with infections that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I have kept her updated on why I feel so tired and sick but I get this vibe that my roommate thinks I should be more able to do things. I still pick up my slack even if it hurts because I don’t need another reason for her to be upset with me.

I went to the doctors today and I have an infection so I need to rest in order to beat this thing. When she asked me how it went I told her  I needed lots of rest since Ive been battling this infection for about a month. Her response was “isn’t that what you always do?” I felt like she was implying that I don’t do anything with my life which is completely untrue.

I fight this stupid war in my head every day. Sometimes I’m so caught up in my ED thoughts that I’m not really listening to what people are saying and Im sorry. I wish it wasn’t like that but if you don’t know what that war feels like “don’t judge a book by its cover.”

I hate being misunderstood. I hate being seen as that lazy person who does nothing (my roommate works all day so how would she know).  But Im tired of being the sick girl because thats all everyone tends to see. Im mostly talking about my roommate because we live together but she has no idea the fight I go through every single day. How hard it is to just put a piece of food in my mouth.

I refuse to let my illness take life experiences away from me. My roommate got upset with me because she thinks I shouldn’t be working on my ED advocacy online late at night and that I should be resting instead. Thats not me. I need to be doing something so a don’t die of boredom.

Now that I’ve been laid out with a kidney infection and feverish I’ve been sleeping a lot. But now I’m lazy because I’m resting to get better.  This is the reason why I never wanted to live with a roommate. No matter what the stigma is still in my household and I have to deal with it every day and pretend to not let it bother me.

She thinks I don’t take care of myself because I’m not resting but even if Im sick with this infection she expects me to pull my weight. Which I do. But I feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation here. Yes I know I have a weak immune system because of my eating disorder but I’m trying!

I JUST WANT TO YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT IM FUCKING TRYING! IF THATS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN FUCK OFF!

I have talked to my roommate about my eating disorder and I can’t blame her for not understanding but after our fight last night I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. I don’t want to leave my room until she’s gone.I don’t want to live like that again.  WHY ME? I don’t want this life anymore but recovery is hard and it doesn’t happen over night.

Just writing this is bringing me to tears. I can’t even imagine if she knew about my borderline personality disorder. I just feel like one royally fucked up person. Who keeps secrets so people don’t leave.

I was happier living alone where I didn’t have someone judging me all the time I was better at holding myself accountable even with my weird ED mannerisms. The only thing that keeps me sane is my precious dog who never leaves my side. I can’t even imagine how much worse I would feel without him laying next to me.

TO END THIS RANT I JUST WANT TO SAY..

If you don’t know my struggles/my illness/my war  and how hard I try to have a “normal” life please don’t judge me or pretend to know me. There is a difference in wanting to understand and judging what you don’t understand. I want normalcy…whatever that is…and I strive for it because I’m DONE being the sick girl! Im ENVY you all who don’t have to be at war 24/7 on a daily basis. Im tired of people getting mad at me because I want a “NORMAL” life. I don’t want my illness to stop me from living life. Which is why Im working hard on recovery. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I never told my roommate about my eating disorder. That was my big mistake.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO LIVE LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

 

Harder Than I Thought

Ive been living with my roommate for 3 months and my biggest fear was that she would find out about my eating. Since she found out she is now being the food police. I know she means well but it makes me miss I living alone.  I didn’t feel like I had to lie and I held myself accountable for my actions.

Now I feel like have a helicopter parent/roommate. It just makes me want to cry because she says all the wrong things even though with good intentions it makes me feel bad.

I don’t want to be the avoidant roommate who hides  out to cry. I may not be underweight anymore but I still think like anorexic person.

I have tried to talk to her by telling her that she needs to trust me and that I know what Im doing. I didn’t got to treatment for over half a year and learned nothing.

I guess I’m at a loss of what to do. I have communicated over and over where my boundaries lie.

LOST EATING DISORDERED GIRL IN THE REAL WORLD!

9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, so don’t assume you know someone’s story before they’ve told you it themselves. People who suffer from eating disorders can’t just, …

Source: 9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

2016 So Far…

I am happy to say that this was my first New Year’s that I got to spend with friends and not in a hospital! RECOVERY WIN!

I’ve been seeing this guy named Scott for a little over a month. He not my boyfriend…we are just dating and its good. We just have so much fun together!

Now because we are always going to eat and stuff I’ve gained weight and I feel so disgusted with myself. Its so tempting to go back to my maladaptive behaviours. I know its not healthy but I help these feelings. Hopefully they pass because I feel like I’m heading into a relapse 😦

Ive also started dancing again. I missed it soooooo much!

We had some drama with our male roommate to a point that we felt unsafe so we kicked him immediately. But before he left he call me a fat anorexic girl! I know I shouldn’t wallow in because some douche bag said it but I keep replaying over and over in my head.

And I leave you with this…