My weight is really getting to me lately. Well more than usual anyway. It’s like no matter what I do I stay at a high weight. I feel like I’ll never be skinny again. Isolation is ED’s best friend. I shared with my boyfriend how my ED thoughts are getting worse and I mentioned that I was scared because I tend to isolate. What sucked was that he though I would isolate myself from him. The potential does exist but I love him and I would never isolate myself from him. He asked me if we were heading for the inevitable and hearing that nearly broke my heart. We reassured each other that we were going anywhere but I’m scared that he will leave me if he even feels an inking of me unwillingly pulling away.
For the first time in our relationship I felt the real fear of abandonment. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) was eating all this up and ED was laughing mischievously. Fighting my bad thoughts has been so hard today and I’ve continuously have to keep reminding myself that I trust him and that he loves me. All I want is to continue to watch our love grow because its something I cherish and I will not let ED take that away from me. He has already taken away 17 years of my life.
Pretty much everyone in my life knows I’m back in school attending George Brown College (Toronto Canada.) What very few people know is that I am in the TPE (Transitions Post-Secondary Education) Program.
Back tracking a little
As most of my followers know I have had 3 long difficult years trying to recovery from anorexia and managing borderline personality disorder. I have always dreamed of getting my PhD but after getting diagnosed I thought that dream was over. I got this thought stuck in my head that “no work & no school” was going to be my life. A life that wasn’t going to get any better. With CERTAINTY I can tell you I was totally wrong!
Back in March my ED therapist told me about the TPE program at George Brown College. I totally laughed back in her face and I remember thinking, “She’s crazy! How does this woman think I can even go back to school with how mentally fucked up I am!”
The TPE program at George Brown College is a program catered to those who struggle with mental illness, addiction, or both. For people like me who didn’t know where to turn or what to do to move forward in their lives; “People with mental health disabilities or addictions, have faced considerable and longstanding discrimination, stigmatization and social exclusion in Canada” (DialogNews.ca). The program is broken down into 3 semesters (could be longer depending on each individual student). “[The] program provides individuals who identify their mental health or addiction challenges, as barriers to further education and/or employment, with the opportunity to access new pathways to academic and employment success (DialogNews.ca). On top of college credit courses the program also focuses on interpersonal skills, problem solving, career and vocational exploration and planning.
My experience in the TPE program has been amazing! Its given me the opportunity to “rejoin” society without the feeling of stigma or judgement. Its given me and continues to give me the stepping stones I need to reintegrate myself back into a school setting. For myself and I’m sure for others it has been a place that has given us tools to move forward after all the hardships that we have been through and continue to go through.
Like any person in any situation there are days where I wish I could just roll my eyes at the program but the end of the day I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be in a program like TPE. Its the first time I have heard of any program like this and I would love to see it grow and pop up in other colleges/universities around the world.
If this program sounds like its something you’re interested in and live in Toronto Canada follow the link below.
It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to be VULNERABLE and my EATING DISORDER had killed all the JOY in my life. For the first time in a long time I can say I am HAPPY! Happiness has made me less symptomatic when it comes to ANOREXIA and RECOVERY has opened my eyes to all the beauty life has to offer 💞. A lot of this I credit to my AMAZING BOYFRIEND Shaun. Now I used to be that girl who would live my life to make SOMEONE ELSE happy, but this time its DIFFERENT! I feel SAFE being myself. Being HONEST with who I am in front of him. I don’t feel the need to HIDE and he still find all my FLAWS to be beautiful. Since getting together I’ve seemed to DEDICATE more of my life to my RECOVERY as he dedicates his to his SOBRIETY. I never thought two people who STRUGGLE could be 2 wholes and be HAPPY together. I never saw this coming…I thought I was DOOMED to be SINGLE forever since I could NEVER be HONEST about myself with anyone. Now I just feel LUCKY, I feel SAFE, I feel DEEPLY CARED ABOUT while still focusing on my RECOVERY. In this very moment SHAUN is more than I can ask for in a BOYFRIEND because I don’t have to pretend to be anything I am NOT. This is the relationship I have been waiting for since I decided that RECOVERY comes first in my life ❤
SHAUN DAVID SIMPSON WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN HOW DEEPLY I CARE ABOUT YOU!
I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.
On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school. TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.
Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.
Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.
Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!
I have missed you all!
And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!
Today has been completely chaotic. I woke up happy today because I made a new connection with someone and it felt good to be honest with each other about how we deal with our mental illness. My mood completely changed when this girl in my class who is bulimic; glorified her eating disorder and would just tell me about her ED behaviours. I am very vulnerable right now and didn’t handle it properly.
In my second class we took a quiz called “Social/Essential Self Connection.” I wasn’t surprised about the outcome of my test. The same girl from my first classes was sitting next to me and saw my score then got nosy and ballsy enough to ask me why I hated myself so much! Honestly I don’t know but I know that I don’t feel deserving of someone feeling gratitude towards me because I’m a chaotic roller coaster of emotions.
After school my mom picked me up to go find a dress for my best friends wedding. During the drive there the turmoil in my head was taking over. I tried to hold my composure in the store when I first arrived. I had expectations on what my size would be…I am petite. Holy FUCK when they told me my size I fucking had an inner meltdown. I couldn’t allow myself to cry in the store but I was shaken with anxiety. The person who helped me with my dress thought it was because the pressure of being a maid of honour. If he only knew what vile thoughts I was thinking about myself.
After reflecting on my day I realized that my BPD took utter control yesterday and I had a major mood swings that I couldn’t hide. The fact that I am self-aware that I am on the line of relapsing scares me. I’m fighting my thoughts so hard but it’s so exhausting. I feel like I just want to give in to ED but then I would feel like I failed my recovery. I would worry people and that makes me feel extremely guilty.
So there is still that question why do I hate myself so much? I don’t have an answer because it’s a question I haven’t explored in a really long time. Having someone notice…a stranger…was heartbreaking. I don’t want to hate myself…I want to find a way to love myself. I don’t know what direction to take at this point in my journey but with the support of people who care about me I know that I’ll choose the right path.
I survived the day and thats something to be proud of
Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.
In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.
With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).
I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.
In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.
I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!
I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!
Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!
I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.
I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.
Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!
Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.
I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.
Motherhood, ED Recovery, & Self Care 