George Brown College TPE Program

Pretty much everyone in my life knows I’m back in school attending George Brown College (Toronto Canada.) What very few people know is that I am in the TPE (Transitions Post-Secondary Education) Program.

Back tracking a little

As most of my followers know I have had 3 long difficult years trying to recovery from anorexia and managing borderline personality disorder. I have always dreamed of getting my PhD but after getting diagnosed I thought that dream was over. I got this thought stuck in my head that “no work & no school” was going to be my life. A life that wasn’t going to get any better. With CERTAINTY I can tell you I was totally wrong!

Back in March my ED therapist told me about the TPE program at George Brown College. I totally laughed back in her face and I remember thinking, “She’s crazy! How does this woman think I can even go back to school with how mentally fucked up I am!”

The TPE program at George Brown College is a program catered to those who struggle with mental illness, addiction, or both. For people like me who didn’t know where to turn or what to do to move forward in their lives; “People with mental health disabilities or addictions, have faced considerable and longstanding discrimination, stigmatization and social exclusion in Canada” (DialogNews.ca). The program is broken down into 3 semesters (could be longer depending on each individual student). “[The] program provides individuals who identify their mental health or addiction challenges, as barriers to further education and/or employment, with the opportunity to access new pathways to academic and employment success  (DialogNews.ca). On top of college credit courses the program also focuses on interpersonal skills, problem solving, career and vocational exploration and planning.

My experience in the TPE program has been amazing! Its given me the opportunity to “rejoin” society without the feeling of stigma or judgement. Its given me and continues to give me the stepping stones I need to reintegrate myself back into a school setting. For myself and I’m sure for others it has been a place that has given us tools to move forward after all the hardships that we have been through and continue to go through.

Like any person in any situation there are days where I wish I could just roll my eyes at the program but the end of the day I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be in a program like TPE. Its the first time I have heard of any program like this and I would love to see it grow and pop up in other colleges/universities around the world.

If this program sounds like its something you’re interested in and live in Toronto Canada follow the link below.

George Brown College TPE Program

It’s Been a While…

I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.

On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school.  TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.

Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD  know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.

Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.

Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!

I have missed you all!

And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!

Stay Strong ❤

Mentally Exhausted!

Today has been completely chaotic. I woke up happy today because I made a new connection with someone and it felt good to be honest with each other about how we deal with our mental illness. My mood completely changed when this girl in my class who is bulimic; glorified her eating disorder and would just tell me about her ED behaviours. I am very vulnerable right now and didn’t handle it properly.

In my second class we took a quiz called “Social/Essential Self Connection.” I wasn’t surprised about the outcome of my test. The same girl from my first classes was sitting next to me and saw my score then got nosy and ballsy enough to ask me why I hated myself so much! Honestly I don’t know but I know that I don’t feel deserving of someone feeling gratitude towards me because I’m a chaotic roller coaster of emotions.

After school my mom picked me up to go find a dress for my best friends wedding. During the drive there the turmoil in my head was taking over. I tried to hold my composure in the store when I first arrived. I had expectations on what my size would be…I am petite. Holy FUCK when they told me my size I fucking had an inner meltdown. I couldn’t allow myself to cry in the store but I was shaken with anxiety. The person who helped me with my dress thought it was because the pressure of being a maid of honour. If he only knew what vile thoughts I was thinking about myself.

After reflecting on my day I realized that my BPD took utter control yesterday and I had a major mood swings that I couldn’t hide. The fact that I am self-aware that I am on the line of relapsing scares me. I’m fighting my thoughts so hard but it’s so exhausting. I feel like I just want to give in to ED but then I would feel like I failed my recovery. I would worry people and that makes me feel extremely guilty.

So there is still that question why do I hate myself so much? I don’t have an answer because it’s a question I haven’t explored in a really long time. Having someone notice…a stranger…was heartbreaking. I don’t want to hate myself…I want to find a way to love myself. I don’t know what direction to take at this point in my journey but with the support of people who care about me I know that I’ll choose the right path.

I survived the day and thats something to be proud of

A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

Self Soothing

Ways to make yourself feel better!

A way to remember these skills is to think of soothing each of your five senses:

VISION:

• Look at the stars at night
• Buy a beautiful flower
• Light a candle and watch the flame
• People watch
• Window shop
• Go to a museum and look at art
• Look at nature around you
• Walk in a pretty part of town
• Watch the sunrise or sunset
• Take a walk in a park or a scenic hike

Hearing:

• Listen to soothing music
• Pay attention to the sounds of nature
• Pay attention to the sounds of the city
• Play an instrument
• Sing or hum a song
• Make a playlist of songs that help get you through tough times

Smell:

• Burn incense
• Light a scented candle
• Inhale the aroma of coffee
• Put potpourri in a bowl in your room
• Smell roses
• Inhale the smells of nature
• Open a window and smell the fresh air

Taste:

• Eat your favourite food
• Drink a soothing drink (tea, coffee, etc)
• Treat yourself to dessert
• Get food you usually wouldn’t spend money on
• Really taste your food; eat mindfully

Touch:

• Take a hot bath or shower
• Pet your dog or cat
• Have a massage
• Put on creamy lotion
• Take a drive with the windows rolled down
• Hug someone

The Hardest Time of the Year

Around this time of year, when the weather is starting to warm up, and I can’t hide behind winter baggy clothing is usually when I end up having a lapse or relapse. When I think of warm weather I think of clothing that doesn’t cover much up my body (bathing suits, skirts, shorts, tank tops, etc). It sends me into a serious panic!

Today was also my first day of school and starting during the summer semester is also sending me into a frenzy! I can’t imagine going to school 5 days a week and having to find something to wear as the weather gets warmer.

In the last few weeks all I have thought about is losing all the weight I can by the end of this month so I can go into summer thin so I wouldn’t have to freak out when the weather got too hot to wear clothes that covers/hides my body.

I know during time where I feel like giving up on my recovery and indulging in my eating disorder is a time I should reach out for support but the reality is that I can’t even fathom continuing to stay weight restore when I feel so disgusting and *fat*.

*BATHING SUIT WEATHER*

is probably the scariest phrase during this time of year!

Unfortunately feel like saying *FUCK RECOVERY* and *EMBRACE ED*

I usually try to keep my blog recovery minded & positive so I apologize but I needed to vent.

UGH WHY DOES SUMMER HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

WILL I EVER FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN?

Share this:

Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

Coping with Stress

Stress & Stressors

Stress is something that is part of normal life. However, some people suffer from stress which is so frequent that it seriously impacts quality of life.

• Relationships with others
• Work related issues
• Study demands
• Coping with illness
• Life Changes
• Day to day activities
• Events or parties

If you often experience stress take some time to consider what tends to set it off for you. Identifying stressors is a key step in dealing with stress.

Symptoms of Stress

Some people don’t even notice they are stressed until they experience symptoms.

• Irritability or moodiness
• Interrupted sleep
• Worrying or anxiety
• Back/neck pain
• Headaches
• Upset stomach
• Increased blood pressure
• Changes in appetite
• Chest pains

Unfortunately stress symptoms reduce the quality of life so here are some tips:

1. Identify your stressor and see if there are some things within your control to manage better.
2. Build regular exercise into your life.
3. Make sure that you eat and sleep well.
4. Take time out for family, friends and recreational activities.
5. Problem solving techniques can be a useful way of clarifying a problem/stressor.
6. Learn calming techniques such as controlled breathing and meditation to train your mind and body to become more relaxed.
7. You may want to speak to a professional about learning assertiveness and communication skills.
8. Consider if negative thinking is contributing to your stress.

 

Hope this all helps you stress a little less.

See Centre for Clinical Intervention website for more handouts!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.