Doing ED Treatment For Others

I went to treatment in April of 2013 after having a serious hospital stay in February 2013. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to go to treatment. In the beginning of my treatment I did it for me but after a month things just got harder and I was just so depressed. I started to refuse meals, fail weigh ins, cheat during snack time, I would weigh myself everyday at home, and because I was in PHP I went home after dinner and I would purge. I wanted to get the hell out of there.

During this time I had a boyfriend (Trevor) who I had been with for 2 years and lived with for 6 months. He felt betrayed when I finally told him I had an eating disorder. He lost a close friend to bulimia a year before we met. He was so proud of me for choosing treatment, but when I shared with him that I no longer wanted to be in treatment he was sad and disappointed. That’s the day Trevor told me that he wouldn’t stick around to watch me die. I loved him and I didn’t want to lose him so I continued to go to treatment but it was no longer for me. It was for Trevor.

Although, I continued with treatment it didn’t change how I felt. I was miserable and I just wanted to numb my feelings. At home I pretended to be happy. I felt that if I continued to be depressed Trevor would get fed up with me and leave me. He already was taking care of most for my expenses so I felt that I had to do my best to be joyful and act like treatment was going great.

In August 2013, Trevor and I broke up and I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. I wanted my eating disorder so bad because I couldn’t cope. I no longer wanted to be in Reno, Nevada anymore. I called my parents and told them that I wanted to come and live with them in Canada because I needed help getting through this.So I decided to leave treatment against medical advice. As soon as all the necessary paperwork was signed I immediately went back to my eating disorder.

I have been in and out of lapses and relapses since then and I realize the reason I didn’t succeed as well in treatment was because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I do have an eating disorder therapist but I haven’t been able to convince myself to go back to treatment when  I relapse. One day I will be ready and I will receive the treatment I deserve.

Recovery isn’t perfect and its a life long journey. Lapses and relapses will happen. Sometimes going to treatment more than once is needed but that doesn’t mean I’m failing at recovery. It’s just part of the process.

Stay Stong ❤

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.

I’m Quite Offended

This is probably one of the most offensive articles I have ever read. I really encourage you all to read it and hear your opinions. Below the article I will post what my thoughts were about it. Again WARNING…most of you will absolutely hate this article and the person who wrote it.

 

Click here to read. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

My thoughts on it:

I was definitely offended yet I understand he is trying to make a point. He could expressed his point in a different manner. In the article he mentions that Bruce Jenner came out as a transgender as a way to gain publicity and attention. In my opinion the author (Paul Carter) of this article was trying to do the same thing to get his thoughts heard.

As someone who struggles with an eating disorder it infuriated me that he said he wasn’t fat shaming but he was disgusted with it.He had no shame in calling a woman a “fat chick.” Excuse my vulgarness but should I just call him “short dick?” Calling someone fat hurts the other person. Makes them feel less of themselves and feel unworthy. I know that if someone called me a “fattie” I would cry, feel hopeless, and run back to my eating disorder because being called FAT means to me that I’m ugly and I would look better if I were thinner.

The article mentions that health at any size is bullshit. I am by no means overweight. I’m about xxxlbs but as an anorexic I have many days where I feel fat. I am at a healthy weight but I have done detrimental damage to my insides (heart, digestive system, etc). So, yes, I believe that to be a very true statement but from a different stand point.

So maybe Sports Illustrated had more motives then just to promote body positivity by putting a “plus size” (hate that term) model on the cover of their magazine. She felt beautiful in her own skin and thats something many us are still working on.”We must accept that plus sized women are sexy” stupid quote from the article. We don’t have to accept anything. Every one who has their own views on what sexy is.

I’m a firm believer that if you believe you’re beautiful it will radiate. If anything this article will make people feel even worse about themselves than they already do. There is beauty in everyone and it’s not just about their size.

First of all I don’t enjoy going to the gym. I find it boring. Second of all because of my eating disorder I wasn’t allowed to do any type of workout. But neither of those reasons make me lazy. If you have the drive to workout thats great. I much rather taking a few dances here and there but not because I want “workout” to change my body but because I truly enjoy dancing.

“People who go above and beyond, to accomplish something worth admiring are shamed due to the obscene degree of insecurity by those who lack the effort, willpower, and courage to follow suit.” I had to laugh at this quote because isn’t this what this whole article is about?! Total contradiction.

  These “courageous” and “brave” women are making a stance that they believe they are beautiful and no one can take that away from them. “Just because you put yourself in a position of possibly being judged for how you look, or open yourself up to being criticized, doesn’t make you a hero and it doesn’t make you brave.” Maybe it doesn’t but in my world posting a picture of myself weight restored took a lot of courage and I was brave enough to do it.

“Well fuck your feelings.  And fuck your body positivity voice. ” Well you know what Paul Carter you can go FUCK YOURSELF!

PTSD Flare Up

There other night I was basically asleep when my roommate decided to come into my room crying. In my half asleep state I didn’t really get a grasp on why she was upset. Frustrated that I wasn’t all awake she ripped down my curtains and left my room.

Now I understand that people get upset and do things without thinking and not intentionally. But with everything going on its flaring up my PTSD. Not that I am afraid of her but mostly because I remember feeling this way not to long ago and there was a threat of danger.

I don’t want to be scared. My roommate…from what I know is a good person. Just lately something has changed and Im too afraid to ask why because I think its about me.

I tried talking to my mom but she doesn’t understand why I’m scared. She doesn’t understand the reasons behind my PTSD. I don’t like things being thrown or having my curtains ripped down and I don’t like being yelled at like I’m worthless.

It brings back so many bad memories that I can’t help but intertwine them. All this just makes me want to cry. I feel unsettled and for me its one of the worst feelings in the world. Since I moved to Toronto all I have wanted to find was stability and every time I think I found it…it turns out I’m wrong.

Every time I trust a person…close…almost relationship close…that person has physically, mentally, or emotionally ruined me. I don’t feel wrong for being scared now even though I know she won’t hurt me. But the feeling…the fear…its the same.

When I try to tell me mom that this is hurting me and bringing back PTSD memories she doesn’t get it and I feel completely invalidated.

I don’t want to be scared in my own home.

With all thats happened in the last few years I don’t want to be scared anymore.

Living in a Household Where ED Stigma is all Around Me

Im tired of people (my roommate) being upset with me for being sick. I have good days & bad days but at the end of the day I have an eating disorder. Its not fake. Its not a cry for attention. If anything its a war and I fight for survival everyday!

This last month I have been sick consistently with infections that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I have kept her updated on why I feel so tired and sick but I get this vibe that my roommate thinks I should be more able to do things. I still pick up my slack even if it hurts because I don’t need another reason for her to be upset with me.

I went to the doctors today and I have an infection so I need to rest in order to beat this thing. When she asked me how it went I told her  I needed lots of rest since Ive been battling this infection for about a month. Her response was “isn’t that what you always do?” I felt like she was implying that I don’t do anything with my life which is completely untrue.

I fight this stupid war in my head every day. Sometimes I’m so caught up in my ED thoughts that I’m not really listening to what people are saying and Im sorry. I wish it wasn’t like that but if you don’t know what that war feels like “don’t judge a book by its cover.”

I hate being misunderstood. I hate being seen as that lazy person who does nothing (my roommate works all day so how would she know).  But Im tired of being the sick girl because thats all everyone tends to see. Im mostly talking about my roommate because we live together but she has no idea the fight I go through every single day. How hard it is to just put a piece of food in my mouth.

I refuse to let my illness take life experiences away from me. My roommate got upset with me because she thinks I shouldn’t be working on my ED advocacy online late at night and that I should be resting instead. Thats not me. I need to be doing something so a don’t die of boredom.

Now that I’ve been laid out with a kidney infection and feverish I’ve been sleeping a lot. But now I’m lazy because I’m resting to get better.  This is the reason why I never wanted to live with a roommate. No matter what the stigma is still in my household and I have to deal with it every day and pretend to not let it bother me.

She thinks I don’t take care of myself because I’m not resting but even if Im sick with this infection she expects me to pull my weight. Which I do. But I feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation here. Yes I know I have a weak immune system because of my eating disorder but I’m trying!

I JUST WANT TO YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT IM FUCKING TRYING! IF THATS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN FUCK OFF!

I have talked to my roommate about my eating disorder and I can’t blame her for not understanding but after our fight last night I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. I don’t want to leave my room until she’s gone.I don’t want to live like that again.  WHY ME? I don’t want this life anymore but recovery is hard and it doesn’t happen over night.

Just writing this is bringing me to tears. I can’t even imagine if she knew about my borderline personality disorder. I just feel like one royally fucked up person. Who keeps secrets so people don’t leave.

I was happier living alone where I didn’t have someone judging me all the time I was better at holding myself accountable even with my weird ED mannerisms. The only thing that keeps me sane is my precious dog who never leaves my side. I can’t even imagine how much worse I would feel without him laying next to me.

TO END THIS RANT I JUST WANT TO SAY..

If you don’t know my struggles/my illness/my war  and how hard I try to have a “normal” life please don’t judge me or pretend to know me. There is a difference in wanting to understand and judging what you don’t understand. I want normalcy…whatever that is…and I strive for it because I’m DONE being the sick girl! Im ENVY you all who don’t have to be at war 24/7 on a daily basis. Im tired of people getting mad at me because I want a “NORMAL” life. I don’t want my illness to stop me from living life. Which is why Im working hard on recovery. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I never told my roommate about my eating disorder. That was my big mistake.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO LIVE LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

 

Harder Than I Thought

Ive been living with my roommate for 3 months and my biggest fear was that she would find out about my eating. Since she found out she is now being the food police. I know she means well but it makes me miss I living alone.  I didn’t feel like I had to lie and I held myself accountable for my actions.

Now I feel like have a helicopter parent/roommate. It just makes me want to cry because she says all the wrong things even though with good intentions it makes me feel bad.

I don’t want to be the avoidant roommate who hides  out to cry. I may not be underweight anymore but I still think like anorexic person.

I have tried to talk to her by telling her that she needs to trust me and that I know what Im doing. I didn’t got to treatment for over half a year and learned nothing.

I guess I’m at a loss of what to do. I have communicated over and over where my boundaries lie.

LOST EATING DISORDERED GIRL IN THE REAL WORLD!

9 Ways the Beautifully Broken Girl Loves Differently

Scars are proof that you’re stronger than whatever it was that tried to hurt you.

Source: 9 Ways the Beautifully Broken Girl Loves Differently

9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, so don’t assume you know someone’s story before they’ve told you it themselves. People who suffer from eating disorders can’t just, …

Source: 9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

2016 So Far…

I am happy to say that this was my first New Year’s that I got to spend with friends and not in a hospital! RECOVERY WIN!

I’ve been seeing this guy named Scott for a little over a month. He not my boyfriend…we are just dating and its good. We just have so much fun together!

Now because we are always going to eat and stuff I’ve gained weight and I feel so disgusted with myself. Its so tempting to go back to my maladaptive behaviours. I know its not healthy but I help these feelings. Hopefully they pass because I feel like I’m heading into a relapse 😦

Ive also started dancing again. I missed it soooooo much!

We had some drama with our male roommate to a point that we felt unsafe so we kicked him immediately. But before he left he call me a fat anorexic girl! I know I shouldn’t wallow in because some douche bag said it but I keep replaying over and over in my head.

And I leave you with this…

2016 <3

I know its been a while since I have written anything but I will definitely write an update in the new year!

The last 2 New Years I rang in the New Year in the hospital. Either hooked up to a heart monitor or suffering a stroke.  I’m so grateful to say that this year I will be ring in 2016 it with friends. I have fought so hard this year to continue on this path of recovery. Not with out tears and lapses but I have pulled myself back up and believe that I have continued to persevere no matter if I took a step back here and there. I truly believe that I can not find the happiness I seek continuing being a prisoner of my eating disorder and  I refuse to let anorexia take one more happy moment away from me! I can’t wait to experience more happy moments in 2016.