My weight is really getting to me lately. Well more than usual anyway. It’s like no matter what I do I stay at a high weight. I feel like I’ll never be skinny again. Isolation is ED’s best friend. I shared with my boyfriend how my ED thoughts are getting worse and I mentioned that I was scared because I tend to isolate. What sucked was that he though I would isolate myself from him. The potential does exist but I love him and I would never isolate myself from him. He asked me if we were heading for the inevitable and hearing that nearly broke my heart. We reassured each other that we were going anywhere but I’m scared that he will leave me if he even feels an inking of me unwillingly pulling away.
For the first time in our relationship I felt the real fear of abandonment. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) was eating all this up and ED was laughing mischievously. Fighting my bad thoughts has been so hard today and I’ve continuously have to keep reminding myself that I trust him and that he loves me. All I want is to continue to watch our love grow because its something I cherish and I will not let ED take that away from me. He has already taken away 17 years of my life.
Im back from my trip to California to be in my best friend’s wedding. It was definitely and emotional roller coaster. Not only because of the wedding but also dealing with my eating disorder while I was on my trip.
Im weirdly happy yet disappointed that I let ED take over as my coping mechanism during my trip but I’m home now where I have many supports to help me get through the rough patch.
My best friend is naturally thin and it was so hard seeing her and being around her the whole week just because I was constantly comparing myself and wishing that I were as thin as she was. Its a terrible feeling to feel stuck in a body that you hate or that you can’t wishfully change to look like you want to look like.
I came home from my trip last night and because I wasn’t really taking care of myself during my trip… last night my body finally took a fall…LITERALLY. I was weak from not getting enough sleep all week and not nourishing myself enough all week that I took a HARD fall in my bathroom in the middle of the night. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t even get up until my boyfriend came to find me. A bit of an eye opener…don’t you think?!
Pretty much everyone in my life knows I’m back in school attending George Brown College (Toronto Canada.) What very few people know is that I am in the TPE (Transitions Post-Secondary Education) Program.
Back tracking a little
As most of my followers know I have had 3 long difficult years trying to recovery from anorexia and managing borderline personality disorder. I have always dreamed of getting my PhD but after getting diagnosed I thought that dream was over. I got this thought stuck in my head that “no work & no school” was going to be my life. A life that wasn’t going to get any better. With CERTAINTY I can tell you I was totally wrong!
Back in March my ED therapist told me about the TPE program at George Brown College. I totally laughed back in her face and I remember thinking, “She’s crazy! How does this woman think I can even go back to school with how mentally fucked up I am!”
The TPE program at George Brown College is a program catered to those who struggle with mental illness, addiction, or both. For people like me who didn’t know where to turn or what to do to move forward in their lives; “People with mental health disabilities or addictions, have faced considerable and longstanding discrimination, stigmatization and social exclusion in Canada” (DialogNews.ca). The program is broken down into 3 semesters (could be longer depending on each individual student). “[The] program provides individuals who identify their mental health or addiction challenges, as barriers to further education and/or employment, with the opportunity to access new pathways to academic and employment success (DialogNews.ca). On top of college credit courses the program also focuses on interpersonal skills, problem solving, career and vocational exploration and planning.
My experience in the TPE program has been amazing! Its given me the opportunity to “rejoin” society without the feeling of stigma or judgement. Its given me and continues to give me the stepping stones I need to reintegrate myself back into a school setting. For myself and I’m sure for others it has been a place that has given us tools to move forward after all the hardships that we have been through and continue to go through.
Like any person in any situation there are days where I wish I could just roll my eyes at the program but the end of the day I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be in a program like TPE. Its the first time I have heard of any program like this and I would love to see it grow and pop up in other colleges/universities around the world.
If this program sounds like its something you’re interested in and live in Toronto Canada follow the link below.
I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.
On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school. TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.
Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.
Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.
Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!
I have missed you all!
And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!
My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.
Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.
Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.
My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.
The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!
I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.
What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.
I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.
SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.
Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.
In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.
With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).
I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.
In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.
I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!
Stress is something that is part of normal life. However, some people suffer from stress which is so frequent that it seriously impacts quality of life.
Relationships with others
Work related issues
Study demands
Coping with illness
Life Changes
Day to day activities
Events or parties
If you often experience stress take some time to consider what tends to set it off for you. Identifying stressors is a key step in dealing with stress.
Symptoms of Stress
Some people don’t even notice they are stressed until they experience symptoms.
Irritability or moodiness
Interrupted sleep
Worrying or anxiety
Back/neck pain
Headaches
Upset stomach
Increased blood pressure
Changes in appetite
Chest pains
Unfortunately stress symptoms reduce the quality of life so here are some tips:
Identify your stressor and see if there are some things within your control to manage better.
Build regular exercise into your life.
Make sure that you eat and sleep well.
Take time out for family, friends and recreational activities.
Problem solving techniques can be a useful way of clarifying a problem/stressor.
Learn calming techniques such as controlled breathing and meditation to train your mind and body to become more relaxed.
You may want to speak to a professional about learning assertiveness and communication skills.
Consider if negative thinking is contributing to your stress.
I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!
Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!
I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.