I’m back!

I haven’t written a new blog entry in a few years. Last a posted was when I found out I was pregnant. I now have a beautiful daughter named Ava and she’s 3.5 years old.

My recovery from anorexia was really shaky before my positive pregnancy test and that day was probably the scariest day for my eating disorder. I made a vow to my unborn child that I would recover for her. I have now been in recovery for 4 years! My recovery has been far from perfect but on days my ED voice is loud I focus on self care.

Self care is something that is just for me. I deserve to take care of myself as much as I take care of my family!

These days self care looks like cooking (I found a passion for this last year), skin care, hair, beauty, and many other things that make me feel good and happy!

I am hoping to reunite with all of you and continue to update my journey of all things motherhood and recovery! I miss you guys!

If y’all have any questions please reach out!! I try to get back to everyone the same day. I still have my Instagram account but it’s now about more than just anorexia. @j0anneeeee 💋

Vulnerability/Happiness/Safety

It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to be VULNERABLE and my EATING DISORDER had killed all the JOY in my life. For the first time in a long time I can say I am HAPPY! Happiness has made me less symptomatic when it comes to ANOREXIA and RECOVERY has opened my eyes to all the beauty life has to offer 💞. A lot of this I credit to my AMAZING BOYFRIEND Shaun. Now I used to be that girl who would live my life to make SOMEONE ELSE happy, but this time its DIFFERENT! I feel SAFE being myself. Being HONEST with who I am in front of him. I don’t feel the need to HIDE and he still find all my FLAWS to be beautiful. Since getting together I’ve seemed to DEDICATE more of my life to my RECOVERY as he dedicates his to his SOBRIETY. I never thought two people who STRUGGLE could be 2 wholes and be HAPPY together. I never saw this coming…I thought I was DOOMED to be SINGLE forever since I could NEVER be HONEST about myself with anyone. Now I just feel LUCKY, I feel SAFE, I feel DEEPLY CARED ABOUT while still focusing on my RECOVERY. In this very moment SHAUN is more than I can ask for in a BOYFRIEND because I don’t have to pretend to be anything I am NOT. This is the relationship I have been waiting for since I decided that RECOVERY comes first in my life ❤

SHAUN DAVID SIMPSON WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN HOW DEEPLY I CARE ABOUT YOU!

 

It’s Been a While…

I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.

On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school.  TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.

Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD  know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.

Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.

Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!

I have missed you all!

And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!

Stay Strong ❤

DBT – Mindfulness Part 1

Self Soothing

Ways to make yourself feel better!

A way to remember these skills is to think of soothing each of your five senses:

VISION:

• Look at the stars at night
• Buy a beautiful flower
• Light a candle and watch the flame
• People watch
• Window shop
• Go to a museum and look at art
• Look at nature around you
• Walk in a pretty part of town
• Watch the sunrise or sunset
• Take a walk in a park or a scenic hike

Hearing:

• Listen to soothing music
• Pay attention to the sounds of nature
• Pay attention to the sounds of the city
• Play an instrument
• Sing or hum a song
• Make a playlist of songs that help get you through tough times

Smell:

• Burn incense
• Light a scented candle
• Inhale the aroma of coffee
• Put potpourri in a bowl in your room
• Smell roses
• Inhale the smells of nature
• Open a window and smell the fresh air

Taste:

• Eat your favourite food
• Drink a soothing drink (tea, coffee, etc)
• Treat yourself to dessert
• Get food you usually wouldn’t spend money on
• Really taste your food; eat mindfully

Touch:

• Take a hot bath or shower
• Pet your dog or cat
• Have a massage
• Put on creamy lotion
• Take a drive with the windows rolled down
• Hug someone

Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

Coping with Stress

Stress & Stressors

Stress is something that is part of normal life. However, some people suffer from stress which is so frequent that it seriously impacts quality of life.

• Relationships with others
• Work related issues
• Study demands
• Coping with illness
• Life Changes
• Day to day activities
• Events or parties

If you often experience stress take some time to consider what tends to set it off for you. Identifying stressors is a key step in dealing with stress.

Symptoms of Stress

Some people don’t even notice they are stressed until they experience symptoms.

• Irritability or moodiness
• Interrupted sleep
• Worrying or anxiety
• Back/neck pain
• Headaches
• Upset stomach
• Increased blood pressure
• Changes in appetite
• Chest pains

Unfortunately stress symptoms reduce the quality of life so here are some tips:

1. Identify your stressor and see if there are some things within your control to manage better.
2. Build regular exercise into your life.
3. Make sure that you eat and sleep well.
4. Take time out for family, friends and recreational activities.
5. Problem solving techniques can be a useful way of clarifying a problem/stressor.
6. Learn calming techniques such as controlled breathing and meditation to train your mind and body to become more relaxed.
7. You may want to speak to a professional about learning assertiveness and communication skills.
8. Consider if negative thinking is contributing to your stress.

 

Hope this all helps you stress a little less.

See Centre for Clinical Intervention website for more handouts!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.