ED Loves Isolation

My weight is really getting to me lately. Well more than usual anyway. It’s like no matter what I do I stay at a high weight. I feel like I’ll never be skinny again. Isolation is ED’s best friend. I shared with my boyfriend how my ED thoughts are getting worse and I mentioned that I was scared because I tend to isolate. What sucked was that he though I would isolate myself from him. The potential does exist but I love him and I would never isolate myself from him. He asked me if we were heading for the inevitable and hearing that nearly broke my heart. We reassured each other that we were going anywhere but I’m scared that he will leave me if he even feels an inking of me unwillingly pulling away.

For the first time in our relationship I felt the real fear of abandonment. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) was eating all this up and ED was laughing mischievously. Fighting my bad thoughts has been so hard today and I’ve continuously have to keep reminding myself that I trust him and that he loves me. All I want is to continue to watch our love grow because its something I cherish and I will not let ED take that away from me. He has already taken away 17 years of my life.

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Im back from my trip to California to be in my best friend’s wedding. It was definitely and emotional roller coaster. Not only because of the wedding but also dealing with my eating disorder while I was on my trip.

Im weirdly happy yet disappointed that I let ED take over as my coping mechanism during my trip but I’m home now where I have many supports to help me get through the rough patch.

My best friend is naturally thin and it was so hard seeing her and being around her the whole week just because I was constantly comparing myself and wishing that I were as thin as she was. Its a terrible feeling to feel stuck in a body that you hate or that you can’t wishfully change to look like you want to look like.

I came home from my trip last night and because I wasn’t really taking care of myself during my trip… last night my body finally took a fall…LITERALLY. I was weak from not getting enough sleep all week and not nourishing myself enough all week that I took a HARD fall in my bathroom in the middle of the night. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t even get up until my boyfriend came to find me. A bit of an eye opener…don’t you think?!

It’s Been a While…

I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.

On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school.  TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.

Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD  know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.

Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.

Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!

I have missed you all!

And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!

Stay Strong ❤

A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

The Hardest Time of the Year

Around this time of year, when the weather is starting to warm up, and I can’t hide behind winter baggy clothing is usually when I end up having a lapse or relapse. When I think of warm weather I think of clothing that doesn’t cover much up my body (bathing suits, skirts, shorts, tank tops, etc). It sends me into a serious panic!

Today was also my first day of school and starting during the summer semester is also sending me into a frenzy! I can’t imagine going to school 5 days a week and having to find something to wear as the weather gets warmer.

In the last few weeks all I have thought about is losing all the weight I can by the end of this month so I can go into summer thin so I wouldn’t have to freak out when the weather got too hot to wear clothes that covers/hides my body.

I know during time where I feel like giving up on my recovery and indulging in my eating disorder is a time I should reach out for support but the reality is that I can’t even fathom continuing to stay weight restore when I feel so disgusting and *fat*.

*BATHING SUIT WEATHER*

is probably the scariest phrase during this time of year!

Unfortunately feel like saying *FUCK RECOVERY* and *EMBRACE ED*

I usually try to keep my blog recovery minded & positive so I apologize but I needed to vent.

UGH WHY DOES SUMMER HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

WILL I EVER FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN?

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Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

Doing ED Treatment For Others

I went to treatment in April of 2013 after having a serious hospital stay in February 2013. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to go to treatment. In the beginning of my treatment I did it for me but after a month things just got harder and I was just so depressed. I started to refuse meals, fail weigh ins, cheat during snack time, I would weigh myself everyday at home, and because I was in PHP I went home after dinner and I would purge. I wanted to get the hell out of there.

During this time I had a boyfriend (Trevor) who I had been with for 2 years and lived with for 6 months. He felt betrayed when I finally told him I had an eating disorder. He lost a close friend to bulimia a year before we met. He was so proud of me for choosing treatment, but when I shared with him that I no longer wanted to be in treatment he was sad and disappointed. That’s the day Trevor told me that he wouldn’t stick around to watch me die. I loved him and I didn’t want to lose him so I continued to go to treatment but it was no longer for me. It was for Trevor.

Although, I continued with treatment it didn’t change how I felt. I was miserable and I just wanted to numb my feelings. At home I pretended to be happy. I felt that if I continued to be depressed Trevor would get fed up with me and leave me. He already was taking care of most for my expenses so I felt that I had to do my best to be joyful and act like treatment was going great.

In August 2013, Trevor and I broke up and I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. I wanted my eating disorder so bad because I couldn’t cope. I no longer wanted to be in Reno, Nevada anymore. I called my parents and told them that I wanted to come and live with them in Canada because I needed help getting through this.So I decided to leave treatment against medical advice. As soon as all the necessary paperwork was signed I immediately went back to my eating disorder.

I have been in and out of lapses and relapses since then and I realize the reason I didn’t succeed as well in treatment was because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I do have an eating disorder therapist but I haven’t been able to convince myself to go back to treatment when  I relapse. One day I will be ready and I will receive the treatment I deserve.

Recovery isn’t perfect and its a life long journey. Lapses and relapses will happen. Sometimes going to treatment more than once is needed but that doesn’t mean I’m failing at recovery. It’s just part of the process.

Stay Stong ❤