A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.

A True Friend, A Sister

The other I went to George Brown College for my orientation. Yes, Im going back to school! At the end of the orientation we were given a written English proficiency exam where we had to write a 1 page answer to a question. My question was “What are the characteristics of a true friend?”

Simple! My first thought was about Kari ❤

Kari and I met in treatment to overcome our eating disorders. We instantly clicked and not only because we both understood how hard it was to be in treatment for anorexia but because we connected on a higher level. We were building a friendship outside of our disorders. If one of us was having a bad day we would challenge each others eating disorders and not maliciously but because we cared and wanted to see each other beat this evil disease. When we left treatment our friendship didn’t end there. We grew to love each other like sisters.

Shortly I after I was done with treatment I noticed that people either thought that my disease was fake or people forgot who I was before treatment. I quickly got the title of “suicidal anorexic bitch.” Lovely right?! Kari never once has ever seen me that way. She knows I still have my struggles with ED but she sees beyond that and sees me. She now lives across the country  but I know I can always count on her when I need a friend. Every phone call we share is treasured. We always ask how we are doing ED wise but its never the topic of our conversations. We talk about life and the new adventures we’ve experienced.

Kari knows everything about me and every diagnosis and never once has she passed judgement on me. She has seen me at my worst (story for another day) and still considers me her sister! When I need her, her response is, “how can I help you?” She is definitely a true friend. I have the up most respect for her and love her dearly! Although we didn’t meet in the greatest of all places but I am blessed to have a friend like her.

9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, so don’t assume you know someone’s story before they’ve told you it themselves. People who suffer from eating disorders can’t just, …

Source: 9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder .WE’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

2016 So Far…

I am happy to say that this was my first New Year’s that I got to spend with friends and not in a hospital! RECOVERY WIN!

I’ve been seeing this guy named Scott for a little over a month. He not my boyfriend…we are just dating and its good. We just have so much fun together!

Now because we are always going to eat and stuff I’ve gained weight and I feel so disgusted with myself. Its so tempting to go back to my maladaptive behaviours. I know its not healthy but I help these feelings. Hopefully they pass because I feel like I’m heading into a relapse 😦

Ive also started dancing again. I missed it soooooo much!

We had some drama with our male roommate to a point that we felt unsafe so we kicked him immediately. But before he left he call me a fat anorexic girl! I know I shouldn’t wallow in because some douche bag said it but I keep replaying over and over in my head.

And I leave you with this…

My Whole Truth

After speaking with a good friend who can relate to everything I have ever been through. I started to wonder why can I just tell my whole truth without people judging me? Now as I’m writing this I’m ridden with fear and fight back tears in panic of what people might think. Yes I shouldn’t care but that easier said than done.

When I share my story about being anorexic its because I want people to really see what its recovering from an eating disorder is really like. There is no such thing as a perfect recovery. I went to treatment over 2 years ago and I still have had my fair share of lapses and relapses. Anorexia is still a huge part of life and I still don’t know how to entirely live without it. However, I feel elated when people give me positive feedback because they relate to my stories and I feel happy that I am able to help others.

The thing is that people only know about my eating disordered life. It gives me anxiety to share the other parts of my mental health that ails me. I get this uneasiness that people will judge me, be scared of me, or forget that I am still that same girl who they have always known. I do all in my power to keep level headed so people don’t have to see this other side of me.

WELL HERE GOES NOTHING…

In November of 2013 I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I fear telling people about this part of my life because people jump to the conclusion that I have multiple personalities; which I DO NOT.  What is BPD you ask? Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. Most people who suffer with the disorder have:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
• Impulsive and reckless behavior
• Unstable relationships with other people.

Research on the possible causes and risk factors for BPD is still at a very early stage. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental factors are likely to be involved.

Some of the symptoms that are caused by the disorder are:

• Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love to extreme dislike or anger
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

I bolded “recurring suicidal behaviours or threats or self harming behaviour, such as cutting” because that is something I have struggled with in my past.

In the past 2 years I have been hospitalized about 12 times because suicidal behaviour. Many time times for cutting and self harm and other times for drug overdoses. Some have been minor and others have been a close call. Because of these decisions my heart is weak and its something else I have to be careful with. Yes I did it to myself but its not something that I can not manage. Now please stop and don’t judge me for the decisions I made for trying to take my own life. What many people don’t understand is that its not about your loved ones its about that individual hurting so bad that they just want to stop the pain. I was in such painful turmoil that I felt like I had no other choice.

Do I regret the many times I decided to end my life? I do but I don’t. Without those painful moments where I thought I had nothing else to live for I ended up surviving. Those painful moments where temporary. Without pain I wouldn’t know that their is a bleak of happiness though it all.

After this whole ordeal I decided to seek treatment in a 20 week dialectal behavioural therapy group (helps with emotion regulation) and a year long suicide prevention group (which has helped me gain skills to get through my TEMPORARY suicidal thoughts. This groups have helped me immensely and I can now say that I am in a much better place in my life.

Recently I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar II. What is that? It means you’ve had at least one manic episode. The manic episode may be preceded by or followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes. Mania symptoms cause significant impairment in your life and may require hospitalization or trigger a break from reality.

• A manic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood that lasts at least one week (or less than a week if hospitalization is necessary). The episode includes persistently increased goal-directed activity or energy.
• A hypomanic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood that lasts at least four consecutive days.
• Depressive episode  can be two-week period that represent a change from previous mood and functioning and is either in a depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.

Along with anorexia, Borderline, and Bipolar Disorder; I also suffer from chronic depression and intense anxiety. Of course my life isn’t the easiest but I have learned how to manage thanks to a special team of clinicians that I am eternally grateful too.

There are still days where I am sad, days where I engage in eating disorder behaviours, days where my BPD flares up and doesn’t help with my bipolar tendencies, and days I feel unlovable and worthless but these days are only temporary.

On a lighter note I have been self harm free for a year and haven’t been hospitalized for suicide in over 6 months.

I hope this gives you a little more insight of how many cooccurring mental health issues can happen to one person. Don’t judge those who didn’t ask to have mental illness instead embrace the strength they have to continue living with all the hardships the go through.

Now I maybe judged for writing this but I know those who support me 100% will still be there for me ❤

Thanks for reading and stay strong!

Ana

Ana

I rifle quick moments
to scribble these words
that shatter my thoughts.

Thoughts that mean more
than behaviours displayed.
Convictions that are a perpetual disturbance.

Thoughts that whisper in my perception of self
Until I ultimately disappear.

By: Joanne Baltodano

Family Therapy = Huge Thumbs Down

Where do I even begin?! We spent like the first half hour getting addresses and phone numbers. Then he started asking the basic questions. How old are you? Do you live alone? Are you or have you ever been married? Any kids? You get my point. The whole time it was about me? The problems with me. Every pointing their fingers at me. Oh she did this but now we get it because she has BPD and she’s sick. Or my parents getting the facts all confused. Or saying things that aren’t true. Like not calling every day. What 27 year old do you know that has to call their parents every single day or there is a huge panic. I don’t want to feel like a child. But then again today it was said that I am not yet an adult because my parents help me out because “I’m sick”

Okay now on the therapist…why did you stand the whole effing time? How does that make patients feel comfortable? To me it was more of dominant sort of action. It was weird. The other thing that was weird was the fact that we had to take off our shoes because his office was in his home. I wish I knew ahead of time so I could’ve worn socks! Oh and get this he had his shoes on the entire time!! I felt like he took his sweet time asking questions…like the session was slow. I know it was the first session but no progress just finger pointing.

Anyway I didn’t really speak unless I was directly asked a question. The therapist seriously creeped me out. I didn’t feel like I was in a comfortable setting. And when everyone is saying what is wrong with me I shut down and have nothing to say. It was 2 against 1. And the therapist was more interested in what my parents had to say than me. Like I said the whole session was how I do this or how I did that. Nothing really about themselves. Nothing about how I feel.

Well Im done venting. I get to see Paul anytime now and that will make my day better.

Stay Strong ❤