I’m back!

I haven’t written a new blog entry in a few years. Last a posted was when I found out I was pregnant. I now have a beautiful daughter named Ava and she’s 3.5 years old.

My recovery from anorexia was really shaky before my positive pregnancy test and that day was probably the scariest day for my eating disorder. I made a vow to my unborn child that I would recover for her. I have now been in recovery for 4 years! My recovery has been far from perfect but on days my ED voice is loud I focus on self care.

Self care is something that is just for me. I deserve to take care of myself as much as I take care of my family!

These days self care looks like cooking (I found a passion for this last year), skin care, hair, beauty, and many other things that make me feel good and happy!

I am hoping to reunite with all of you and continue to update my journey of all things motherhood and recovery! I miss you guys!

If y’all have any questions please reach out!! I try to get back to everyone the same day. I still have my Instagram account but it’s now about more than just anorexia. @j0anneeeee 💋

ED Loves Isolation

My weight is really getting to me lately. Well more than usual anyway. It’s like no matter what I do I stay at a high weight. I feel like I’ll never be skinny again. Isolation is ED’s best friend. I shared with my boyfriend how my ED thoughts are getting worse and I mentioned that I was scared because I tend to isolate. What sucked was that he though I would isolate myself from him. The potential does exist but I love him and I would never isolate myself from him. He asked me if we were heading for the inevitable and hearing that nearly broke my heart. We reassured each other that we were going anywhere but I’m scared that he will leave me if he even feels an inking of me unwillingly pulling away.

For the first time in our relationship I felt the real fear of abandonment. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) was eating all this up and ED was laughing mischievously. Fighting my bad thoughts has been so hard today and I’ve continuously have to keep reminding myself that I trust him and that he loves me. All I want is to continue to watch our love grow because its something I cherish and I will not let ED take that away from me. He has already taken away 17 years of my life.

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Im back from my trip to California to be in my best friend’s wedding. It was definitely and emotional roller coaster. Not only because of the wedding but also dealing with my eating disorder while I was on my trip.

Im weirdly happy yet disappointed that I let ED take over as my coping mechanism during my trip but I’m home now where I have many supports to help me get through the rough patch.

My best friend is naturally thin and it was so hard seeing her and being around her the whole week just because I was constantly comparing myself and wishing that I were as thin as she was. Its a terrible feeling to feel stuck in a body that you hate or that you can’t wishfully change to look like you want to look like.

I came home from my trip last night and because I wasn’t really taking care of myself during my trip… last night my body finally took a fall…LITERALLY. I was weak from not getting enough sleep all week and not nourishing myself enough all week that I took a HARD fall in my bathroom in the middle of the night. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t even get up until my boyfriend came to find me. A bit of an eye opener…don’t you think?!

Distractions to Refocus Your Mindset

A way to remember these skills is the phrase: “Wise Mind ACCEPTS”

Distracting Attention

With Activities:

• Refocus your attention to a task you have to get done
• Watch TV or a movie
• Clean a room in your house
• Find an event to go to
• Play a computer/video game
• Go for a walk
• Play a sport
• Go out for a meal
• Call a friend

With Contributing:

• Find somewhere to volunteer
• Surprise someone with something nice
• Give away things you don’t need
• Send an encouraging message
• Call someone just to say hi
• Do something thoughtful

With Comparisons:

• Compare how you are feeling now to a time you felt different
• Think about people coping the same as you (you’re not alone)

With Opposite Emotions:

• Reread a book that opened up your emotions
• Read old letters
• Half a deep conversation
• Write yourself a letter to your younger self

With Pushing Away:

• Push the situation away by leaving it for a while
• Leave the situation mentally
• Build an imaginary wall between you and the situation
• Block images and thoughts from your mind
• Notice ruminating and say NO
• Refuse to think about the painful aspects of the situation
• Put the pain in a box and put it away for a while

With Other Thoughts:

• Count to ten or counting items
• Repeat words to a song in your mind
• work on a puzzle
• Read a book
• Try and learn something new

With Other Sensations:

• Squeeze a rubber ball really hard
• Listen to very loud music
• Hold ice in your hand
• Go out in the rain or snow

A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

The Hardest Time of the Year

Around this time of year, when the weather is starting to warm up, and I can’t hide behind winter baggy clothing is usually when I end up having a lapse or relapse. When I think of warm weather I think of clothing that doesn’t cover much up my body (bathing suits, skirts, shorts, tank tops, etc). It sends me into a serious panic!

Today was also my first day of school and starting during the summer semester is also sending me into a frenzy! I can’t imagine going to school 5 days a week and having to find something to wear as the weather gets warmer.

In the last few weeks all I have thought about is losing all the weight I can by the end of this month so I can go into summer thin so I wouldn’t have to freak out when the weather got too hot to wear clothes that covers/hides my body.

I know during time where I feel like giving up on my recovery and indulging in my eating disorder is a time I should reach out for support but the reality is that I can’t even fathom continuing to stay weight restore when I feel so disgusting and *fat*.

*BATHING SUIT WEATHER*

is probably the scariest phrase during this time of year!

Unfortunately feel like saying *FUCK RECOVERY* and *EMBRACE ED*

I usually try to keep my blog recovery minded & positive so I apologize but I needed to vent.

UGH WHY DOES SUMMER HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

WILL I EVER FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN?

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Going Back to School

Im starting school in 13 days. Im a terrified. Its been 6 years since I was last in any kind of university class. Since then my life has been a total roller coaster. I went to treatment for anorexia nervosa. Then I moved to Canada. Then I got diagnosed with BPD in November of 2013. Since I have been dealing with lapses and relapses with my eating disorder and suffering many symptoms/episodes with BPD.

In May 2015 I suffered a stroke caused by Wernicke’s Syndrome. Since then my memory and attention/concentration has been impacted more than usual. I say usual because going through lapses and relapses with anorexia leaves my body malnourished and my brain isn’t getting any nutrients so it affects me cognitively.

With all that being said going back to school is really scary. I still remember all my behaviours I would use in university so I could still engage in my eating disorder. The stress of school made it even more tempting to be wrapped up in ED. Im trying so hard to stay at a “good” weight (as much as I hate myself for it) that I’m scared I might screw it up (even though half of me doesn’t care).

I’ve always prided myself in school. Without sounding like I’m full of myself I know I’m really intelligent. School was a way to prove it to myself. Now with the memory and concentration struggles I’m scared of how well I will do in school. I don’t it to hinder my grades.

In struggling with BPD I have a had a hard time with social interactions. Mostly with large crowds, strangers, and feeling like people are intruding my bubble. The anxiety of knowing I will be subjecting myself to that is almost crippling.

I know all I’ve said sounds like this may be a terrifying experience but I’m also really excited to get back into the real world. I’ve been “sick” for too long. I just really hope this turns out to be a good experience and not something that I will regret. I don’t want to regress with the progress I have made in the last 3 years. I’ve worked with my ED therapist, social workers, family doctor, taken DBT courses. I guess it will be time to put all that knowledge to use!

WISH ME LUCK!

So Many Updates!

I haven’t seen my ED therapist in a good solid 6 weeks! All my ED behaviours are creepy out and have crazy mood swings. One minute I’m laughing and then I’m crying. And I feel like no one understand me!

Im getting scared of food again which I know works against my recovery but I’m toying with the fact that maybe I don’t care. Especially now that its warmer. I can’t bring myself to try on my dresses from last year. Warm weather is so triggering!

I have also been on a roller coaster with mood swings. One minute I’m crying the next I’m feeling happy. Oh BPD why do you plague? It has been very difficult for me to manage. I know I’m strong than all this but I’m so exhausted.

I guess thats all I have for now.

ED Always Finds a Trigger

I know that I have posted in the last months about it being impossible living with my roommate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was passive/aggressive, and constantly did everything she could to get my attention. My PTSD was flaring up, I was diving into my maladaptive ED behaviours, and isolated myself. Thankfully she no longer lives here.

Exactly one week ago my new roommate moved in and we get along so well. We hangout every day but also have our independence. I don’t feel guilty for just wanted to be in my room for a few hours. Its seriously been a breath of fresh air. If anything I should be elated I found someone that I click with to live with. So why am I triggered? Well “C” loves food and loves to cook. She will spend all day in the kitchen making meals for the next couple days. Why complain?!

Her food in really delicious but I don’t know how much a single serve portion has in calories because I don’t know what she puts in it. Just knowing that she’s making food for us sends me into a panic because I don’t want to be rude and not eat what she made. Afterwards I feel incredibly guilty.

I know its ED messing with my mind. ED always finds something to trigger me even in the best of situations. I hope that by doing OPPOSITE ACTION I will be less triggered as the days go by.