After speaking with a good friend who can relate to everything I have ever been through. I started to wonder why can I just tell my whole truth without people judging me? Now as I’m writing this I’m ridden with fear and fight back tears in panic of what people might think. Yes I shouldn’t care but that easier said than done.
When I share my story about being anorexic its because I want people to really see what its recovering from an eating disorder is really like. There is no such thing as a perfect recovery. I went to treatment over 2 years ago and I still have had my fair share of lapses and relapses. Anorexia is still a huge part of life and I still don’t know how to entirely live without it. However, I feel elated when people give me positive feedback because they relate to my stories and I feel happy that I am able to help others.
The thing is that people only know about my eating disordered life. It gives me anxiety to share the other parts of my mental health that ails me. I get this uneasiness that people will judge me, be scared of me, or forget that I am still that same girl who they have always known. I do all in my power to keep level headed so people don’t have to see this other side of me.
WELL HERE GOES NOTHING…
In November of 2013 I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I fear telling people about this part of my life because people jump to the conclusion that I have multiple personalities; which I DO NOT. What is BPD you ask? Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. Most people who suffer with the disorder have:
- Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
- Impulsive and reckless behavior
- Unstable relationships with other people.
Research on the possible causes and risk factors for BPD is still at a very early stage. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental factors are likely to be involved.
Some of the symptoms that are caused by the disorder are:
- Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
- A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love to extreme dislike or anger
- Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
- Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
- Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
- Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
- Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
- Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
- Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
I bolded “recurring suicidal behaviours or threats or self harming behaviour, such as cutting” because that is something I have struggled with in my past.
In the past 2 years I have been hospitalized about 12 times because suicidal behaviour. Many time times for cutting and self harm and other times for drug overdoses. Some have been minor and others have been a close call. Because of these decisions my heart is weak and its something else I have to be careful with. Yes I did it to myself but its not something that I can not manage. Now please stop and don’t judge me for the decisions I made for trying to take my own life. What many people don’t understand is that its not about your loved ones its about that individual hurting so bad that they just want to stop the pain. I was in such painful turmoil that I felt like I had no other choice.
Do I regret the many times I decided to end my life? I do but I don’t. Without those painful moments where I thought I had nothing else to live for I ended up surviving. Those painful moments where temporary. Without pain I wouldn’t know that their is a bleak of happiness though it all.
After this whole ordeal I decided to seek treatment in a 20 week dialectal behavioural therapy group (helps with emotion regulation) and a year long suicide prevention group (which has helped me gain skills to get through my TEMPORARY suicidal thoughts. This groups have helped me immensely and I can now say that I am in a much better place in my life.
Recently I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar II. What is that? It means you’ve had at least one manic episode. The manic episode may be preceded by or followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes. Mania symptoms cause significant impairment in your life and may require hospitalization or trigger a break from reality.
- A manic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood that lasts at least one week (or less than a week if hospitalization is necessary). The episode includes persistently increased goal-directed activity or energy.
- A hypomanic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood that lasts at least four consecutive days.
- Depressive episode can be two-week period that represent a change from previous mood and functioning and is either in a depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.
Along with anorexia, Borderline, and Bipolar Disorder; I also suffer from chronic depression and intense anxiety. Of course my life isn’t the easiest but I have learned how to manage thanks to a special team of clinicians that I am eternally grateful too.
There are still days where I am sad, days where I engage in eating disorder behaviours, days where my BPD flares up and doesn’t help with my bipolar tendencies, and days I feel unlovable and worthless but these days are only temporary.
On a lighter note I have been self harm free for a year and haven’t been hospitalized for suicide in over 6 months.
I hope this gives you a little more insight of how many cooccurring mental health issues can happen to one person. Don’t judge those who didn’t ask to have mental illness instead embrace the strength they have to continue living with all the hardships the go through.
Now I maybe judged for writing this but I know those who support me 100% will still be there for me ❤
Thanks for reading and stay strong!
Motherhood, ED Recovery, & Self Care 