ED Loves Isolation

My weight is really getting to me lately. Well more than usual anyway. It’s like no matter what I do I stay at a high weight. I feel like I’ll never be skinny again. Isolation is ED’s best friend. I shared with my boyfriend how my ED thoughts are getting worse and I mentioned that I was scared because I tend to isolate. What sucked was that he though I would isolate myself from him. The potential does exist but I love him and I would never isolate myself from him. He asked me if we were heading for the inevitable and hearing that nearly broke my heart. We reassured each other that we were going anywhere but I’m scared that he will leave me if he even feels an inking of me unwillingly pulling away.

For the first time in our relationship I felt the real fear of abandonment. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) was eating all this up and ED was laughing mischievously. Fighting my bad thoughts has been so hard today and I’ve continuously have to keep reminding myself that I trust him and that he loves me. All I want is to continue to watch our love grow because its something I cherish and I will not let ED take that away from me. He has already taken away 17 years of my life.

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Im back from my trip to California to be in my best friend’s wedding. It was definitely and emotional roller coaster. Not only because of the wedding but also dealing with my eating disorder while I was on my trip.

Im weirdly happy yet disappointed that I let ED take over as my coping mechanism during my trip but I’m home now where I have many supports to help me get through the rough patch.

My best friend is naturally thin and it was so hard seeing her and being around her the whole week just because I was constantly comparing myself and wishing that I were as thin as she was. Its a terrible feeling to feel stuck in a body that you hate or that you can’t wishfully change to look like you want to look like.

I came home from my trip last night and because I wasn’t really taking care of myself during my trip… last night my body finally took a fall…LITERALLY. I was weak from not getting enough sleep all week and not nourishing myself enough all week that I took a HARD fall in my bathroom in the middle of the night. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t even get up until my boyfriend came to find me. A bit of an eye opener…don’t you think?!

Distractions to Refocus Your Mindset

A way to remember these skills is the phrase: “Wise Mind ACCEPTS”

Distracting Attention

With Activities:

• Refocus your attention to a task you have to get done
• Watch TV or a movie
• Clean a room in your house
• Find an event to go to
• Play a computer/video game
• Go for a walk
• Play a sport
• Go out for a meal
• Call a friend

With Contributing:

• Find somewhere to volunteer
• Surprise someone with something nice
• Give away things you don’t need
• Send an encouraging message
• Call someone just to say hi
• Do something thoughtful

With Comparisons:

• Compare how you are feeling now to a time you felt different
• Think about people coping the same as you (you’re not alone)

With Opposite Emotions:

• Reread a book that opened up your emotions
• Read old letters
• Half a deep conversation
• Write yourself a letter to your younger self

With Pushing Away:

• Push the situation away by leaving it for a while
• Leave the situation mentally
• Build an imaginary wall between you and the situation
• Block images and thoughts from your mind
• Notice ruminating and say NO
• Refuse to think about the painful aspects of the situation
• Put the pain in a box and put it away for a while

With Other Thoughts:

• Count to ten or counting items
• Repeat words to a song in your mind
• work on a puzzle
• Read a book
• Try and learn something new

With Other Sensations:

• Squeeze a rubber ball really hard
• Listen to very loud music
• Hold ice in your hand
• Go out in the rain or snow

It’s Been a While…

I haven’t written in a while only because I have been sooooo busy with school but Im definitely loving school and loving the new friends I have met. I don’t feel like a freak! We all are going through something.

On the bad side of things I’ve been engaging in some ED behaviours. It just naturally started doing again what I used to do when I was last in school.  TW TW TW TW TW TW TW Just go through the whole day with just coffee and chain smoke and maybe a small snack at night. I know this isn’t the best thing for me but Im desperate to lose a little bit a weight until my best friends wedding (I’m the maid of honour). I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 months and I could really use a session with her. Im sure many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice you’ve got would be appreciated.

Now another thing I’ve noticed since I started school is my BPD being in full swing since there is so much going on in my life after 3 years of doing absolutely nothing but therapy. I’m getting emotionally overwhelmed. I’ve met some really good friends but those who also suffer with BPD  know its easy to find someone to get attached to quickly.

Another thing going with BPD is that I feel like Im finding out this new person in myself. A new identity almost. But the continuous change of identity just confuses me even more! At school Shaun and I have become the 2 people in our program that everyone gravitates toward. I think its more Shaun than me since he has this magnetic personality and we are constantly together at school and after school. I can’t remember the last time I had a group of friends that I saw everyday who would always travel as a “posse” for lack of a better word. I keep my cool it can sometimes makes me emotional unregulated just because I feel like I have to put on this happy facade that my life (with hard work of course) that I’m doing okay when on the inside Im still confused on my identity.

Now being busy and social every day is totally out of left field for me. I haven’t been around this many people in years! And now my home has become the hangout place (which I totally do not mind since its my comfort place) but I see my friends now every day that now I feel sort of stressed out when I don’t get to see them all the time. I feel like I’m on a time warp!

I have missed you all!

And I miss writing so I’ll do my best to catch up!

Stay Strong ❤

Recovery Pen Pals

Anyone interested in being recovery pen pals?

Doesn’t matter what mental illness you struggle with you are still more than welcome.

Of course it will be recovery minded!

If interested send me an email at jobaby21@icloud.com or message me on our Recover Pen Pals Facebook page answering the questions below

I will sort through the emails and pair you up with someone who has similar struggles and interest as yourselves.

Name?

Age? 

What are your diagnosis? 

Are there any things that trigger you that we shouldn’t write about? 

Where do you live?

What are you looking for in a Pen Pal

Anything else we should know about you? 

 

How would you like to “Pen Pal?” (writing letters, Skype, email, etc). Please provide info needed.

Once I receive your emails I will sort through them to find your match!

If you want to be my pen pal my answer is yes.

It’ll give us a chance to meet people from all over the world!

Mentally Exhausted!

Today has been completely chaotic. I woke up happy today because I made a new connection with someone and it felt good to be honest with each other about how we deal with our mental illness. My mood completely changed when this girl in my class who is bulimic; glorified her eating disorder and would just tell me about her ED behaviours. I am very vulnerable right now and didn’t handle it properly.

In my second class we took a quiz called “Social/Essential Self Connection.” I wasn’t surprised about the outcome of my test. The same girl from my first classes was sitting next to me and saw my score then got nosy and ballsy enough to ask me why I hated myself so much! Honestly I don’t know but I know that I don’t feel deserving of someone feeling gratitude towards me because I’m a chaotic roller coaster of emotions.

After school my mom picked me up to go find a dress for my best friends wedding. During the drive there the turmoil in my head was taking over. I tried to hold my composure in the store when I first arrived. I had expectations on what my size would be…I am petite. Holy FUCK when they told me my size I fucking had an inner meltdown. I couldn’t allow myself to cry in the store but I was shaken with anxiety. The person who helped me with my dress thought it was because the pressure of being a maid of honour. If he only knew what vile thoughts I was thinking about myself.

After reflecting on my day I realized that my BPD took utter control yesterday and I had a major mood swings that I couldn’t hide. The fact that I am self-aware that I am on the line of relapsing scares me. I’m fighting my thoughts so hard but it’s so exhausting. I feel like I just want to give in to ED but then I would feel like I failed my recovery. I would worry people and that makes me feel extremely guilty.

So there is still that question why do I hate myself so much? I don’t have an answer because it’s a question I haven’t explored in a really long time. Having someone notice…a stranger…was heartbreaking. I don’t want to hate myself…I want to find a way to love myself. I don’t know what direction to take at this point in my journey but with the support of people who care about me I know that I’ll choose the right path.

I survived the day and thats something to be proud of

A Bit Peeved!!

My ex-roommate never really cared that I am anorexic. I never act like a “sick girl” because I don’t want that to be what people to think that about me. Yes I am in recovery but I still have days where I struggle and I get a little sick. I always pull out of it which I think is all part of recovery.

Back to my ex-roommate…She thought that I was doing it for attention and was constantly trying to be the food police. About a year ago I suffered a stroke from a vitamin B1 deficiency . Obviously the living situation didn’t work out.

Well last week I ran into home health issue with a stroke again because my recovery has been really rocky for about a month.

My ex-roommate is genuinely a nice girl who means well just doesn’t understand and I couldn’t live under such conditions.

The other day my mom ran into her and she asked my mom how I was doing. Because my mom has been stressed and worried she told her I have run into another episode due to my anorexia. She then told my mother that should live in a facility where people take care of me aka similar to a nursing home!

I have an eating disorder and I am in recovery and I am able to live my daily life without someone taking care of me. I have already been to treatment and I know myself well to reach out when I think I’m at that point of seeking help.

What peeves me is that she didn’t say it out of serious concern. It was spite and not concern because I didn’t want to continue having a friendship with someone who was hindering my mental well-being and she never accepted the fact that I do have a life long illness.

I don’t like it for people assuming how much I struggle daily. I don’t talk about it but I do blog about it.

SORRY ABOUT MY RANT BUT I DON’T APPRECIATE SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY ALREADY WORRIED MOTHER.

Stay Strong ED Warriors ❤

 

Self Soothing

Ways to make yourself feel better!

A way to remember these skills is to think of soothing each of your five senses:

VISION:

• Look at the stars at night
• Buy a beautiful flower
• Light a candle and watch the flame
• People watch
• Window shop
• Go to a museum and look at art
• Look at nature around you
• Walk in a pretty part of town
• Watch the sunrise or sunset
• Take a walk in a park or a scenic hike

Hearing:

• Listen to soothing music
• Pay attention to the sounds of nature
• Pay attention to the sounds of the city
• Play an instrument
• Sing or hum a song
• Make a playlist of songs that help get you through tough times

Smell:

• Burn incense
• Light a scented candle
• Inhale the aroma of coffee
• Put potpourri in a bowl in your room
• Smell roses
• Inhale the smells of nature
• Open a window and smell the fresh air

Taste:

• Eat your favourite food
• Drink a soothing drink (tea, coffee, etc)
• Treat yourself to dessert
• Get food you usually wouldn’t spend money on
• Really taste your food; eat mindfully

Touch:

• Take a hot bath or shower
• Pet your dog or cat
• Have a massage
• Put on creamy lotion
• Take a drive with the windows rolled down
• Hug someone

The Hardest Time of the Year

Around this time of year, when the weather is starting to warm up, and I can’t hide behind winter baggy clothing is usually when I end up having a lapse or relapse. When I think of warm weather I think of clothing that doesn’t cover much up my body (bathing suits, skirts, shorts, tank tops, etc). It sends me into a serious panic!

Today was also my first day of school and starting during the summer semester is also sending me into a frenzy! I can’t imagine going to school 5 days a week and having to find something to wear as the weather gets warmer.

In the last few weeks all I have thought about is losing all the weight I can by the end of this month so I can go into summer thin so I wouldn’t have to freak out when the weather got too hot to wear clothes that covers/hides my body.

I know during time where I feel like giving up on my recovery and indulging in my eating disorder is a time I should reach out for support but the reality is that I can’t even fathom continuing to stay weight restore when I feel so disgusting and *fat*.

*BATHING SUIT WEATHER*

is probably the scariest phrase during this time of year!

Unfortunately feel like saying *FUCK RECOVERY* and *EMBRACE ED*

I usually try to keep my blog recovery minded & positive so I apologize but I needed to vent.

UGH WHY DOES SUMMER HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

WILL I EVER FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN?

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