I went to treatment in April of 2013 after having a serious hospital stay in February 2013. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to go to treatment. In the beginning of my treatment I did it for me but after a month things just got harder and I was just so depressed. I started to refuse meals, fail weigh ins, cheat during snack time, I would weigh myself everyday at home, and because I was in PHP I went home after dinner and I would purge. I wanted to get the hell out of there.
During this time I had a boyfriend (Trevor) who I had been with for 2 years and lived with for 6 months. He felt betrayed when I finally told him I had an eating disorder. He lost a close friend to bulimia a year before we met. He was so proud of me for choosing treatment, but when I shared with him that I no longer wanted to be in treatment he was sad and disappointed. That’s the day Trevor told me that he wouldn’t stick around to watch me die. I loved him and I didn’t want to lose him so I continued to go to treatment but it was no longer for me. It was for Trevor.
Although, I continued with treatment it didn’t change how I felt. I was miserable and I just wanted to numb my feelings. At home I pretended to be happy. I felt that if I continued to be depressed Trevor would get fed up with me and leave me. He already was taking care of most for my expenses so I felt that I had to do my best to be joyful and act like treatment was going great.
In August 2013, Trevor and I broke up and I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. I wanted my eating disorder so bad because I couldn’t cope. I no longer wanted to be in Reno, Nevada anymore. I called my parents and told them that I wanted to come and live with them in Canada because I needed help getting through this.So I decided to leave treatment against medical advice. As soon as all the necessary paperwork was signed I immediately went back to my eating disorder.
I have been in and out of lapses and relapses since then and I realize the reason I didn’t succeed as well in treatment was because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I do have an eating disorder therapist but I haven’t been able to convince myself to go back to treatment when I relapse. One day I will be ready and I will receive the treatment I deserve.
Recovery isn’t perfect and its a life long journey. Lapses and relapses will happen. Sometimes going to treatment more than once is needed but that doesn’t mean I’m failing at recovery. It’s just part of the process.
Stay Stong ❤
Motherhood, ED Recovery, & Self Care 