Enslaved

I was talking to a friend last night about my struggles with anorexia. Although I already knew this subconsciously I realized that Im always doing two things at once. Im constantly having disordered thoughts running through my mind. No matter what I’m doing. Whether it be writing this blog post or having a conversation with someone I am always multitasking my thoughts. I have had ED thoughts since I was 11 years old and now I am 28. I don’t know how to not constantly have ED thoughts going at all time. Even when I go to bed I can’t shut off my thoughts and sometimes keeps me up at night with worry, guilt, and constantly convincing myself that recovery is the right path.

The start of 2016 has been incredibly stressful and its been a real challenge to stay recovery minded. I’ve come to realize that my thoughts are just as enslaved by my eating disorder in recovery as they were when I was actively in my eating disorder. Where is this freedom I read about? Maybe its too early in my recovery. Maybe its because I haven’t been able to go a full year without a relapse.

I envy those who don’t have this constant war in their minds they can’t run away from. It makes me question will I ever be free from ED thoughts or am I cursed for life and enslaved by my eating disorder forever?

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8 thoughts on “Enslaved”

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  1. You are not enslaved forever. I understand the mind battle, I still fight the thoughts often especially since I’m weight restored. Freedom is possible, but in my opinion it only is if you are willing and ready to give it all up once & for all. See, I think it’s easy for us to want it a little and that’s why it doesn’t go away. I still get thoughts, but they are less intense and not as constant. There is hope. Don’t give up!! 🙂

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  3. I think you’ve hit a good point. Although I am in “recovery” I still fight thoughts of really wanting to let ED go. Its so much a part of me and I feel like I wouldn’t know who I am without it. I already have that problem since I’ve started my journey through recovery. Thank you for commenting 🙂

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  4. Yes, I know eating helps…thats the hard part right now. Im going through such a stressful time right now and its easy to fall into bad habits. Im trying to stay on schedule with meals but its been pretty mechanical.

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  5. There will come a time in recovery when they will go quiet for a moment, and you may or may not notice but you’ll notice once they have been quiet for a while and you can actually think. IN order for this to happen though you have to be able to let go of the thoughts, you hold onto them for some reason and you need to find that reasons so you can heal and let go. It takes time, but it can happen. Having said that, having been a sufferer myself, a part of it is always there, sometimes more than others – but how i let go of those thoughts determines the outcome of the thoughts. They’re just thoughts. They come and go. xx

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  6. I get what you’re saying!! totally. it is super scary to not have the crutch at first, but that’s when you start discovering again who you really are! It’s a wonderful journey! (that part anyway) & good job for all you do! Your efforts won’t be wasted, keep going!! ❤

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  7. I definitely still hold some reservations about completely letting go. The further I get away from my days in treatment the louder the voice has been getting. I also feel like I haven’t really found myself. I don’t really know who I am without ED.

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