Beach day = a day I have fight harder

I really want to go to the beach! I grew up living by the beach and I just love it.

I persevered when I went to the cottage with Paul and his friends but going with family is a whole lot different.

Paul saw my struggles but hasn’t ever seen me completely weight restored.

The last time my aunt and uncle saw me I wasn’t no where near this thin.

Yet still I really want to go to the beach. Even though bikini’s scare me.

I know what they will be thinking about it but they won’t say it to may face.

Yes I know you can see my rib cage and I’m not happy about it. I struggle to be healthy. its hard and seems unattainable.

I hope my family knows that this could be a breaking point for me.

It could either go well because people don’t focus on it or leave me alone

all hell would break lose if someone consistently badgers me about eating or not eating.

I rarely lose my temper in these moments but I have to protect myself.

As thin as I am I wish everyone knew that I was trying.

It sucks to walk into a room where everyone knows you’re anorexic and they are watching your every move during a meal.

I have been putting myself out their by challenging myself to wear a bikini which makes me feel like I need to hide this disgusting body but Ive done it before and I can do it again.

To me thats a recovery win.

Seems silly to want validation for the small stuff but those at the baby steps that count.

And it tears me down that my younger girl cousins will be there.

I don’t want to set a bad example.

I would never want them to go what I have been through.

So I will eat in front of them…I will put their needs first.

Its a serious challenge but I have persevered so much that I think I can do this.

I will prove to my family and friends that I may struggle and I may cry but I am willing to push myself to the limit!

Im not a quitter.

That hurts me a little because tomorrow I have to be fake.

At the cottage I thought I was sly but Paul knew…

and that was okay because he didn’t make a big deal out of it. He just made sure that I was okay.

Thats what i need in these situations because they are so difficult for me.

I don’t want people to focus on me because they know.

Recovery isn’t easy.